Saturday, September 19, 2009

How do I turn my wife into a dominatrix?


Dear Edahn,


How can I trick my wife into becoming a dominatrix? I want her to want this on her own, not just because she cares about my feelings. Is there some subliminal way I can make her want to dominate me?


Even if you managed to trick her she still won't be doing it because "she really wants to;" she'll be doing it because she was tricked. I'm afraid you've set yourself up for an impossible mission, trying to force someone to do something naturally. That can never happen.


By tricking her, you're also disrespecting her and your relationship. You're denying her right to make up her own mind, and by extension, her individuality and integrity. You're sacrificing your opportunity for deep intimacy which develops though respect and trust. That's not a good strategy for a relationship, even one with an S&M component. Besides, how intimidating and strong-willed can she really be if she can be easily tricked by a guy like you?


Try, instead, to be honest and forthcoming with her about your wish to be dominated and see how she responds. You can propose something modest and simple (talking dirty? spanking? mean-spirited pinching?) and gradually escalate if she's open to it. It'll probably be weird the first few times until you both get comfortable in that role. If she agrees, then great. If she doesn't, then you need to get serious and decide whether this is just a fantasy or a deep psychological need for humiliation. There are people with clinical paraphilias who need this stuff to get aroused who can end up having difficulties in their relationships for various reasons. Then there are guys who have glimpsed some of this stuff on porn sites and think it would be hot. Knowing which category you fall into will help you decide how important this is and how far you want to take it.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

good point about tricking her in the first sentence

Giles English said...

You can't - shouldn't -"trick" her. However, there's a lot to be said for exploring slowly and not going sub crazy.

Ask for specific things that extend vanilla pleasures she already enjoys. E.g. if she likes lots of oral, tell her about your slave fantasy and ask if you can wear a collar next time...

Most importantly, don't make a fuss!

Edahn said...

Good post, Giles!