Monday, December 7, 2009

How do I get the guy I'm dating to sign off his dating website?

Dear Edahn,


I have been dating a guy for the last 2 months. We see each other 2-3 times a week, but things aren't defined as exclusive or that serious yet. I like him but am not really ready for the "are we exclusive" talk. Last week a friend of mine told me that she has seen him logging into a dating website (not how we met). Apparently he logs in at least every week, but not every day. 


I don't know what to do. Should I call him on it? Should I assume he's not that into me and just preemptively stop dating him so that I don't have to go through the process of having him dump me? Should I ignore it and just hope he stops logging in? Should I assume that him logging in means that he is dating other people or that he's at least interested in dating other people?

Perhaps my response can best be expressed with this:



The reason you're not ready for the exclusive talk is because you're still feeling him out and want the option of leaving if you meet someone else. By asking him to sign off the site, you're asking him to do what you're not ready to do yourself, which is restrict your dating pool and invest in the relationship. That's not really fair. It doesn't matter if you're on a dating site or not, since there are so many other ways to flirt with your options outside of a dating website.

My gut tells me that neither of you are really feeling the love connection. You probably both sense that something is still off, still hasn't clicked, and won't end up clicking. Now's a good time to take a look at how things have been going and decide what direction you want to take the relationship. If you think it has a good chance of working out, maybe it's time to have the dreaded exclusivity talk. If not, then you can either call it off, keep it just sexual, or just suck it up and accept that dating other people and jealousy is the result -- and definition -- of dating without exclusivity. It's an unavoidable part of the process.




* * * * *




Update: I guess I should clarify. I would like to date him exclusively but sense that he is not ready for "the talk". Does this change your answer?

So basically, you want him to commit and invest in your relationship. Investment is something he needs to want to do on his own. If he's convinced or pressured to invest, he's only going to be confused about his true feelings. You don't want that kind of instability in your relationship.

I think what you should do is tell him how you're feeling and what you're sensing from him. Don't do it with the intention to make him fix the situation, just tell him as if you were trying to assess a situation objectively, like you were just looking for the truth, regardless of what it is, without any specific goal. Don't be afraid of it not working out or of him saying he's not interested. So what. Isn't not a personal reflection on your self-worth. Sometimes things don't work out because the guy has issues. Other times they don't work out because people just don't mix right together. Ranch dressing and cotton candy don't go well together, but they're delicious with other foods.


[Desperate plug: Pretty please share this blog with your friends! Next up: Cheaters!]

8 comments:

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Edahn said...

First spam! *dances for joy*

Anonymous said...

I guess I should clarify, I would like to date him exclusively but sense that he is not ready for "the talk". Does this change your answer?

Edahn said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay. Yes, it does. Let me mull it over. I'll make a change to the answer by the end of the day.

Edahn said...

Post edited.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I like cotton candy w/ ranch.

Edahn said...

Then it sounds like you have other problems to worry about.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
I know this girl whom every time i meet, though not often, kind of leaves a bad taste subsequently. She recently entered a relationship but when she's not around her boyfriend, she feels a need to degrade her other girl'friend' so much so that one gets the impression that she considers her other 'friend' worthless and in her own words a 'punching bag'. From what i can tell, maybe this is related to the fact that prior to meeting her recent boyfriend, she was very unhappy (though she had the same attitude towards her other friend) and she directed all her frustrations towards her. All i know for certain is that she has a lot of growing up to do and needs to learn to cope with her own inadequacies.