Monday, December 28, 2009

I found out my bf is still addicted to drugs

Dear Edahn, 


I did something fucked up and now I'm all fucked up about it. I found out that my boyfriend is lying to me because I suspected he was, so I went through his Blackberry while he was in the bathroom. He isn't cheating on me, but he has returned to an addiction that he told me he has quit (I don't want to give too many more details online, because its weird enough that if he ever sees this he'll know it was me writing). I probed him a bit and tried to give him an opportunity to come clean with me, but he just kept on lying to my face, which only made me angrier. My response is to shut down and get passive aggressive (which I hate doing) but I don't know how to tell him why I'm upset without admitting that I violated his privacy. Everytime he lies to me I also trust him less, even though I know that he is lying out of shame over his actions, and desire to protect both him and me from the truth. I want to tell him what I did, and that I know. I want to be able to discuss his addiction. I want him to be honest with me. I know that if I tell him that I looked through his phone, he will probably be ashamed, and angry, will get very defensive and will not trust me either, which will likely only lead to him being further addicted and going further out of his way to hide it from me. What should I do? I don't want to drive him away, and I also don't want to be angry at him anymore.


Update: it turns out the addiction is to a drug.

Alright. Well, if it's dangerous to his health, then I think you should be upfront with him and tell him what happened, what you know, and let him know that you don't want to be in a relationship with him until he gets clean. You can explain why you searched his phone and how you did it because you were worried about it. Your heart was in the right place, and that mitigates, if not excuses, what you did. Besides, there are more pressing issues on the table.

I know you want to help him and be with him, but you can't really be in a healthy relationship with someone who's an addict. He needs to get clean for his own sake and for the sake of your relationship and he needs to do that by going to a rehab clinic and joining NA. This is neither something he can do alone, or something you can do for him. You can support his recovery, but you need to find a professional to guide you through it. This is the kind of situation where you need to search yourself and follow what your heart tells you is right without making this your own personal burden. In other words, help him, but don't make it your responsibility to make him get clean.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

its not porn: its an addictive substance that he obtains in dangerous ways. Its dangerous to his health; its dangerous to my health. He has told me that he wants help in stopping. He has tried therapy and counseling. We have worked together in the past in these programs. I'm not acting out of jealousy over some stupid porn addiction. I act out of genuine concern for his health, well being, and the longevity of out relationship.

Edahn said...

Alright. Well, if it's dangerous to his health, then I think you should be upfront with him and tell him what happened, what you know, and what you expect from him. Think about it this way: he's probably not ready for a relationship, at least a serious one, if he's addicted to something dangerous. It's not that he has bad intentions, but healthy relationships require healthy people. If he decides to break up with you, I think that's not the worst outcome. If he decides to get help, preferably by going to a rehab clinic and joining an NA program, that would be a better outcome.