Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Friends without benefits

Edahn....
so I need to ask for guy advise: I met this 25 yr old a month ago, we've hung out 3 times...he's really sweet, a totally gentleman, and I've made out and slept over his place everytime but no sex (my choice)...the last time I hung out with him I had a 'talk.' I confessed that I didn't want to sleep with him and have things be awkward/lose a friendship...I'm lookin for a serious relationship but know it won't happen with him (cause he's brought up our age difference before) but I was cool having a friend with benefit but on the innocent level...he agreed, knowing I want a serious relationship and he doesn't, and said he himself can't really have sex without feelings (he never brought this up before)...he was cool afterwards, but I feel he drifted away...
last Monday when I texted him to hang out he wrote "i'd love to but have a meeting that'll run late." I wrote back "that too bad, let me know when you're free and want to hang"...no response...I believe he had a meeting but don't believe it went that late (cause he was on facebook chat around 10:30 that night)...in the past he left his friends early just to meet me...so I feel if he really wanted to, he would have met me after his meeting....also, Last night I sent a group text to some friends (including him) about a party and I got no response from him...
I still want to hang with him and be 'friends' with him (if that's really possible) but I feel I may have crushed his ego or pulled the breaks too soon... I feel I want to explain myself again, but i don't know if that'll be overkill...I contacted once last week and he was busy...can I still contact him again in a 'hey lets hang out' way?


I don't think you crushed his ego. I think he saw you as a person he could exploit for sex and when you took that away, he decided he wasn't interested anymore. It's not that he could never see value in being your friend, it's that he set himself up not to, and it's not easy for a guy to transition from seeing someone as a sex-object to actually getting to know them and being intimate. It involves a transition in roles that's hard for some, maybe most, people.

Can you still try? Sure. Why the fuck not. But don't be too desperate. Just invite him out once or twice and then wait for him to initiate contact after that. If he senses too many expectations attached to your invitation, he'll see it as a sign that the lover-to-friend transition will be too complicated to bother with. Just play it cool, something like: "I'm going with some friends to a bar in Santa Monica. Wanted to see if you wanted to swing by with some of your friends (preferably hot ones). We're gonna be at _________. They make strong drinks." That gives him room to say "no" which gives him the freedom to say "yes." If he says he can't, just write back "Okay, night" and don't contact him anymore. Really, don't worry. You'll find other friends to screw around with. Cough cough hint hint nudge nudge. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

HAHA! you're funny edan.

whitney

Anonymous said...

or edahn. whatevz

Edahn said...

How about edahnz?