Monday, February 28, 2011

Edahn's Workout Tips

Talk to me, I'm listening.


This dude used my workout tips
A LOT OF PEOPLE are trying to get in shape and live healthier right now. On the one hand, I commend their effort. But on the other hand, I see the stress and turmoil they undergo trying to look good and impress their friend(s). It's really a shame, you know? Because you can achieve the same results with barely any work at all with my simple and easy-to-implement X-treme workout tips, which I will reveal to you, my dearest reader(s), right now, for free. (Donations welcome, and mandatory.)

  1. Wear baggy clothes. The biggest guys at the gym wear ultra baggy clothes. Why? I have no idea. Maybe they're ashamed of their disgusting .01% body fat. But you'd never know, because they're carefully clad like an orthodox Jewish woman: no shorts, long sleeve shirt, and a hat. So before you hit the gym, check to ensure that none of your skin is visible. The more you look like you're going to play in the snow, the better.
  2. Keep yourself well groomed. How many bodybuilders have you seen with long hair? That's right, zero. Because muscles and hair length are inversely proportional. h=1/m^2
  3. Look bored and uninterested. Tough guys don't go to the gym to have fun. They don't understand fun. They only understand two things: effort and results and steroids. The more miserable you look, the better.
  4. Don't lift any weights. The biggest guys at the gym don't lift any weights, they just do occasional stretching. This makes sense, because logically, if you're really massive and ripped you don't need to work out anymore. Don't make the mistake of lifting weights. It's a total rookie move.
  5. Say hello to every who's dressed like you. Bodybuilders are socially required to greet and flirt with other bodybuilders, by law. Trust me, I'm a lawyer. Also, if you see any girls, you're obligated to give them a workout tip or say something at them as they walk away from you. Try this handy, patented formula: 1. Superficial compliment. 2. Weren't you on the butt machine a few minutes ago? OR Hey it's [compare her to a celebrity (neg)] 3. Aww, why you gotta dis a brother like that?! Now smile big, turn around, and back to your workout! There ya go! Yer gettin' huge!
  6. Keep a huge duffel bag with you with lots of stuff. To be honest, it doesn't matter what's in there. You can fill it with Mickey Mouse figurines for all I care. Just make sure you carry it around wherever you go, even if you go get a drink of water. You never know when you'll need Mickey's ayuda.
  7. Eat and drink the whole time. Yep. The more food the better. When you start, you can just take a protein shake. Next week, bring a blender and some fresh produce. As you keep working out, you're going to want to graduate to more elaborate food in bigger portions. You might, for instance, choose to fill the duffel bag (see 6) with a cooked turkey and periodically take small handfuls as a snack. This will impress everyone.
  8. Last but not least, talk about supplements. That's right... "supplements." You know a guy...You're not gonna say anything else, but you know a guy. He can, you know, "help."
So take it from me, America. Stop throwing your life away trying to get healthy and start using my guaranteed tips to make you bigger, stronger, faster, and immediately sexier.

I'm probably gonna get my ass kicked for writing this.