Wednesday, August 17, 2011

It's not you, it's him

Edahn,

I will try to keep this brief. I went out on one date with a guy and it was apparent we were not for each other. Flash forward several months which included lots of sexting and casual conversation. I didn't want anything more and it was obvious neither did he. We made plans several times to hook up casually but it didn't pan out. Until last night. 

I showed up a little drunk. I almost didn't recognize him because he lost so much weight due to a car accident. I was all dressed up and could not have looked hotter. I drank some more by him and also smoked pot (which makes me even louder although I think funny). (LOL) He had problems performing and an hour and a half later said he was really tired and wanted me to leave. I feel totally rejected and ugly and stupid. What guy has a gorgeous girl come over and flat out rejects her? I'd love to hear a professional guys perspective to help me work this out.

I'LL SEE IF I can find a professional to work this out, but in the meantime, let me give you my shiny two cents. I've noticed that girls tend to overestimate the role of their sexuality in trying to understand the motivation of other people. They think that when guys are acting weird it must be because there's something they did wrong or that they're somehow inadequate. It's wrong. People have a lot going on in their head and have their own inadequacies that they're trying to manage and control.

You assume that guy kicked you out because you were annoying. I'm not gonna tell you that wasn't a factor, because I have no idea how annoying you are when you smoke pot. (Sounds like you might be at risk, though.) But assuming there was just one factor, you, strikes me as incorrect. From your description of the event is sounds more like:
  • You both built high expectations for the sexual encounter over text, which lead to anxieties in both of you. You got drunk, he performed poorly.
  • You were drunk and high and loud, and maybe he had a hard time relating to you. Some people don't need to relate to have sex, but many people do. They might think anonymous casual sex is a good idea, but in practice, it can turn into a disaster, especially if there's very little intimacy in the moment.
  • Your were looking good, he was looking bad, and you were drunk. The combination of hot + drunk can be intimidating for a guy who's not looking his best. Even if he is looking his best, it can still be s-s-scary.
  • He performed poorly and felt embarrassed or ashamed and just wanted to end the night as soon as possible. 
So you see, his reaction could have a lot to do with him and his own personal stuff rather than with you and your sexual adequacy or personality. It can also have something to do with you though, too. If you feel like it's worth it, you can always try talking to him about that night. You can make it disarming by saying something like "so that didn't work out at all, LOL," followed by "were you uncomfortable that night? Things moved pretty fast." He's not going to come (haha) out and say "I felt ashamed because I couldn't ejaculate promptly," but you can figure it out with clues like "I felt awkward," or "that was pretty out of character for me," etc. G'luck!

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