Sunday, August 26, 2012

How do I get the momentum back in my relationship?

Hi Edahn,

I've been dating my boyfriend now for four months. In the beginning of our relationship, he would text me everyday! I would always wake up to a "good morning baby" and we would text throughout the day and no matter what, at the end of the day he would always say goodnight! He would always send me random i love yous, check up on me and tell me how much he missed me! This went on for about 2 months until he lost his job in July. After that, he would barely text me. If i didn't text him, we wouldn't talk that whole day! He told me that he was just stressed out and he didn't want to take it out on me and that he loved me so much. That gave me some closure i guess.

What i should mention is that my boyfriend is an EXTREME GAMER! After he lost his job, he finally had time for them so now he plays them NON-STOP. Now i know why he doesn't answer me a lot anymore and why he barely texts me during the day! Its the damn computer games. He'd rather sit home and play them than hang out or talk to me and this breaks my heart into pieces. I confronted him about it the other day and all he said was no and that he doesn't put video games before me and that he loves me!

My boyfriend is a big live streamer which means, anyone can go to the site and watch him play. The other night i went on caught him talking to a girl! Later, we were in the car and out of nowhere he brought up that a person that was trolling his friend trolled him but instead of saying 'her', he said 'him'. That's what got me upset because i knew that his friend was a girl! I love my boyfriend so much and i don't want to lose him but i don't want him to lie to me! I want him to stop putting video games before me!


HI THERE. YOU KNOW, sometimes when relationships begin really quickly and with lots of intensity, they go through a cooling off phase. It makes sense because it's hard to sustain strong, intense feelings for too long. During the cooling-off phase, one of two things can happen: 1) the partners grow distant and break up or 2) the partners find a new way to relate to one another in a more stable, sustainable way.

In the beginning of a relationship, the intense feelings of love and longing that each person feels forms the basis of their bond. They're both infatuated with one another. It's almost like an obsession. But eventually those feelings start to wear off a little. Sometimes partners will try and recapture that state of infatuation through sex or by professing their love to one another because it's where they feel safe and it helps hide the feelings of distance they start to feel as their hormones begin to settle. If they keep trying to conceal their true feelings, they're end up feeling more and more alienated from each other because they're not being true to themselves; they're not being authentic.

You're both in a very delicate space right now. You have to ask yourselves how you feel around one another when you're not having sex or not professing your love for one another. In other words, when you're missing the intensity you once had. Does it feel sad? Scary? I don't think your objective should be to reclaim the feelings you one had, but to own the feelings you're having RIGHT NOW. Face the feelings of discomfort and anxiety you're having with composure and quiet strength. Don't freak out. Just be there with it. There is nothing to be afraid of. If you can do this, you'll create space for you and your boyfriend to connect in that more sustainable way, and you can start an honest conversation about the things that concern you both. It'll happen naturally. It's not something you have to--or can--plan out. If you have any questions, just leave a comment.

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