Monday, June 17, 2013

He says he loves me, but he won't leave his wife

Hi dear Edahn

I need your help desperately. One of the people who call me his love and keep me waiting for almost 4 years and keep telling me he will get divorce recently start calling me a sicho bitch or infront of his friend telling me that I have bipolar disorder.

Please tell me what to do?


THERE ARE PLACES WHERE psycho bipolar bitches can get help.

Just kidding. He's an asshole who's using you and he'll never leave his wife. Fuck him. He's not as great as you think he is, and time, as well as dating people with more integrity, will help you see that. Move on and be happy without him, because you'll never find happiness with him, ever.

Love,
Edahn

Thursday, June 13, 2013

How to Find Inner Peace

Hi Edahn,

I read several blog posts about your philosophy that everything is okay. Your words make sense in a simple but profound way. It reminded me of something I read about Aldous Huxley said about the universe being "All Right," with a capital "A" and a capital R". He made this statement when he was reflecting on one of his experiences with LSD. Many people have bad trips apparently, while some have very enlightening experiences. I have never had any experience with the drug, but his words were always comforting to me, and they reminded me of your philosophy.

Just wondering if you can relate to the below in any way? (It's a bit long.)
"The intensity of the experience is entirely unlike any ordinary experience, but on the other hand it quite obviously resembles spontaneous experiences certain artists and religious people have unquestionably had. It's an immense intensification of the world, a transfiguration of the external world into incredible beauty and significance. It's also beyond this kind of aesthetic experience, there may be other experience, a sense of solidarity with the universe, solidarity with other people, understanding of such phrases as you get in the book of Job: "Yeah, Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Trust In Him", it becomes quite comprehensible. This thing opens the door to these experiences which can be of immense value to people if they choose to make use of them. If they don't choose to, I mean this is what the Catholics call a gratuitous grace, it doesn't guarantee salvation or it's not sufficient and it's not necessary to salvation but if it can be collaborated with and used in an intelligent way it can be an immense help to people. This sense that in spite of everything which of course is the ultimate, I suppose, the ultimate mystical conviction in spite of pain, in spite of death, in spite of horror, the universe is in some mysterious sense is all right, capital A capital R."
I THINK ALDOUS AND I are talking (in my case, blathering) about the same thing: this experience of shifting from mind to body. In Aldous's case, I think he's taken it a step further, maybe with the help of hallucinogenics, but it's still the same thing.

To be honest, it my favorite thing to write about because it's my favorite thing period. It's a profound experience that means something, and you can feel it, rather than just think it. The crazy thing is that there's no obvious road to get there, because roads made with mental effort always lead outwards while real peace only resides within you. That's comforting because you can never lose your touch point with peace, but scary because you can't force it or speed it up.

What we're talking about is the shift from mind to body. I'd say about 99% of our days is spent totally absorbed in our thoughts. It's like a hallucination. Our thoughts are so all-encompassing that it's like we're watching a movie and oblivious to our surroundings and what's going on in our body--the tensions, the subtle movements, and how those change. We track our thoughts like a hunter tracks its prey, and during that time, become more and more disconnected from everything else.

Thought tracking takes on so many different forms. Some of them are beautiful, but most of them are directed at planning, conversations, rehearsing events from our past, and building us up with positive memories. I think it all comes down to an impulse to make ourselves permanent. Our body help up do this through the pain/pleasure system which rewards things that increase our chances of survival and successful reproduction and punishes (through pain) things that threaten our survival. Think about it: sex, food, shelter, physical safety, popularity, children, pair-bonding, cute babies, and financial stability all give us a sense of relief and/or pleasure. Losing these things causes physical pain and anguish.

The most insidious form of thinking is thinking about enlightenment, because it seems like it's more spiritual or holy than other thoughts, but it's the same thing: a desire to escape pain and preserve ourselves in a form that we like the most. That isn't to say that things like meditation and yoga and philosophy (and AskEdahn) aren't valuable. But using them as a vehicle to escape is dangerous and antithetical to the whole purpose. The purpose of these things is to get to you to shift from the thinking-tracking-hallucinating mind-absorption to whatever's happening with you and around you. It's such a weird concept because if you think about what that's like, you're already back in thinking territory. 

The shift away from your mind can happen in different ways. Sometimes it happens after exhaustion. Other times by accident (Grace). Other times through pain and sickness. And other times by just listening is a really stupid way. Not intellectualizing, not pondering, not trying to "get" something from your listening, and not having any expectations. Just listening to your breath, then to the tensions and movements of your body. You can do it right now. You probably already are, I bet.

It's quiet, and peaceful. And you start to loosen those tense places in your body, especially around the heart. At some point, when the mind starts to STFU, you're just here. Just sitting (za-zen) or just whatever-ing. And that's when you realize you've made peace with it; the world, you, everything. The peace is in you flowing out to whatever's there. There's no rush anymore because that desperation to change, plan, and better your position in life is muted. It's just All Right.

Thanks for the question, I appreciated it. For you or others, I've written more about the subject of peace, which I call Rest. P.S. What school?

Questions? AMA @ AskEdahn@Gmail.com.

Monday, June 10, 2013

How Men Really Date Women (the Category Theory)

Click to enlarge.
Hi everyone! I'm back from my little break. On with the show!

My Dearest Edahn,

I've gone out with a guy seven times now. He's 50 and I'm 38 and considered a pretty good catch. We've never had a discussion about being exclusive, and both he and I are still on a dating website (where we met). I'm actually still on that site since he's still on. He seems very into me when we're together. Although unlike other guys, he doesn't call right away after the date, but texts and then calls a day or two later. We had sex on the fifth date, and I feel ever since then he hasn't been as persistent. I am not available to him every time he wants to see me and he seems very into me. So I don't really get what's going on. Why's he still on the dating site? Please don't say "he's on because you're still on" because there have been times I haven't logged in for days and when I log on- lo and behold he either just logged in or is online with *IM ME NOW*. I don't get what's going on here. Things are moving so slowly. I feel it's going nowhere and I'm wasting my time. I want a real relationship that is evolving, and we spend more and more time together. That's not happening here. I even verbalized before that I was hurt after we had sex that he just texted me for two days and never called. Well he said he didn't mean anything by it, and just did it again

Should I dump this fucker? I really do like him, but I need a strong man that isn't waiting for me to bring up exclusivity, or that he may just be playing with me. Please help!

LET ME TAKE THIS opportunity to introduce you to my Category Theory of Male Dating. With most guys, you'll find that they put the women they date into categories. Each category has a different level of investment. 

At the bottom is the Casual Dating category, where the investment is very low and the relationship is a means to sexual gratification. Because of the low risk, anxiety levels are low, so these relationships can be fun and captivating. At the top is the Potential Soulmate Category where the investment is high and consequently, so are the stakes, so anxiety levels are usually high. Men who are anxious--who have poor self-esteem--might try and push people into the Casual Dating Category because it lowers their anxiety levels, even if they're interested. Then there's people who don't fit into either category, yet. In that case the guy will try and figure out which category his partner fits into. And to the side of this whole thing is the I'm Not Interested Category. So essentially, 3 categories, and once you've been classified into one category, you don't get reclassified.

You know what category you're in based on the investment level. How often he calls, how often he thinks about you, how considerate he is, how much he's making future plans with you, and yes, whether he's still looking for other people--these are all indicators of investment. All his indicators are pointing to "low investment." Instinctually, you already know all this. 

I think what you're asking for is a guy who put you in the Potential Soulmate Category because you're not interested in getting used for sex. Dump the fucker and go for it.

Got a question? AskEdahn@gmail.com.