Monday, June 10, 2013

How Men Really Date Women (the Category Theory)

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Hi everyone! I'm back from my little break. On with the show!

My Dearest Edahn,

I've gone out with a guy seven times now. He's 50 and I'm 38 and considered a pretty good catch. We've never had a discussion about being exclusive, and both he and I are still on a dating website (where we met). I'm actually still on that site since he's still on. He seems very into me when we're together. Although unlike other guys, he doesn't call right away after the date, but texts and then calls a day or two later. We had sex on the fifth date, and I feel ever since then he hasn't been as persistent. I am not available to him every time he wants to see me and he seems very into me. So I don't really get what's going on. Why's he still on the dating site? Please don't say "he's on because you're still on" because there have been times I haven't logged in for days and when I log on- lo and behold he either just logged in or is online with *IM ME NOW*. I don't get what's going on here. Things are moving so slowly. I feel it's going nowhere and I'm wasting my time. I want a real relationship that is evolving, and we spend more and more time together. That's not happening here. I even verbalized before that I was hurt after we had sex that he just texted me for two days and never called. Well he said he didn't mean anything by it, and just did it again

Should I dump this fucker? I really do like him, but I need a strong man that isn't waiting for me to bring up exclusivity, or that he may just be playing with me. Please help!

LET ME TAKE THIS opportunity to introduce you to my Category Theory of Male Dating. With most guys, you'll find that they put the women they date into categories. Each category has a different level of investment. 

At the bottom is the Casual Dating category, where the investment is very low and the relationship is a means to sexual gratification. Because of the low risk, anxiety levels are low, so these relationships can be fun and captivating. At the top is the Potential Soulmate Category where the investment is high and consequently, so are the stakes, so anxiety levels are usually high. Men who are anxious--who have poor self-esteem--might try and push people into the Casual Dating Category because it lowers their anxiety levels, even if they're interested. Then there's people who don't fit into either category, yet. In that case the guy will try and figure out which category his partner fits into. And to the side of this whole thing is the I'm Not Interested Category. So essentially, 3 categories, and once you've been classified into one category, you don't get reclassified.

You know what category you're in based on the investment level. How often he calls, how often he thinks about you, how considerate he is, how much he's making future plans with you, and yes, whether he's still looking for other people--these are all indicators of investment. All his indicators are pointing to "low investment." Instinctually, you already know all this. 

I think what you're asking for is a guy who put you in the Potential Soulmate Category because you're not interested in getting used for sex. Dump the fucker and go for it.

Got a question?

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