Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Finding the One

Neo thinks he's the One
Hi Edahn,

Recently, I feel as though my thoughts and actions are taken over by the need to find a person that I can connect with at some capacity. It's mentally exhausting, and I don't believe/enjoy online dating so much. I mean, don't get me wrong, I try using them then soon after get disappointed and immediately delete them. Right now I am on a "no dating" hiatus and I would like to think it's very empowering. People ask me out and I politely decline. It feels great (not rejecting people, I'm not that cruel lol) because I have the ability to somehow have time to do the whole self-improvement thing. Yet, I'm still controlled by this societal pressure of having a significant other or just the natural longing for human connection.

I'm rambling. I'm feeling held back because I may have met the said "one" - a person that I can connect with deeply. When we're together I feel as if he knows everything I am feeling and vice versa. All the stars in the universe align. I know I sound a bit crazy but I never felt that feeling with anyone else before, it truly was a beautiful thing.

The problem is my friend was and may quite possibly still be interested in him. I never could make a move in fear that I would lose my friend. To add to it, he's moving to another state in a few months. Dare I say, he is going to become my very own - "the one that got away." 

What do I do?! Accept that maybe we were kindred spirits that passed through each other's lives for some purpose and leave it to rest? Do I tell him how I feel? 

I'LL TELL YOU THE absolute honest truth, something I really haven't told anyone: for a short period of time, I think every person I meet might be my soulmate. Girl at the bar? Check. Barista? Double check especially if she ignores me. Friend's friend from Europe? Czech. It's automatic, even though I'm pretty sure I don't even believe in soulmates (although I have my own definitions).

It's a residue of the same genetic and social pressure you're describing. It's also the product of the desire to end this eternal lonely existence for companionship. The need to find someone distorts our perception so we see what we want to see; we see the solution to our problems. In my experience, the stronger my need for companionship, the stronger my projection of "soulmate status."

Conversely, there are moments where I'm not projecting anything; I'm just taking in what's there, and I know that if it doesn't work out--whatever. I'll go on. What's different? It's the desperation that's gone. The desperation to find someone, to mate, to get your life in order, to rid yourself of loneliness, to fit in, to check someone off your life list. What the cause of the desperation? Now we're getting into esoteric territory, but there's no other way out. The desperation is exactly what Buddha meant by "desire" being the cause of all suffering. The desperation is a product of thinking too much and getting lost in your thoughts. All you need to do is reconnect with your body and heart and you'll see it melt right away. (More posts on meditation here if you're interested and have 17 hours to kill.)

Onto your situation. I'm not in a position to say whether this guy is a great match (I really don't believe in soulmates) or whether you've just projected soulmate status on him. And truthfully, you might not know that either. My advice: go answer that question. Find out who he is, and do it with respect and care toward your friend. Approach it delicately and in person by asking what type of connection they share, and let her know what kind of connection you shared with him. Tell her how you would feel if you were in her shoes, wanting her to be happy and letting go if it wasn't special enough. If she feels the same way about him, maybe you back off, but if he's just the infatuation of the month, then ask her to let you pursue him, and to support you as only she could do. Give her the option to say no so she doesn't feel cornered. If you get the green light, I would just come out and ask the guy if he felt a similar connection, and if he did, if he'd like to come over and watch Netflix hang out sometime, hopefully within the next 3 months.

ES

*ehhh

Friday, October 21, 2016