Monday, June 20, 2011

Should I ditch my friend?

So I recently took a trip with a good friend. We me up with some of her friends that I have never met. We were all having a good time when things turned for the worse. An argument broke out between some friends of hers and I ended up in the middle because of something I had said that was taken the wrong way. My good friend ended up getting mad at me and yelling at me during this time. I do take into consideration that everyone (except me) was a bit under the influence but feel like things got a bit out of control and I ended up walking away from the situation. The next day I discussed with my good friend what had happened and she was unable to recall anything. The other parties involved also couldn’t recall what had happened. I was the only one that knew what had gone on. 

I am weary of staying friends with my “good” friend. I don’t know if I am making a big deal out of what happened on the trip. Should let the incident go or let my friend go?

THERE'RE A FEW THINGS that seemed to have gone awry. First, your friend yelled at you. In my book, that's not acceptable. I don't think people should ever lose their cool unless it's a life-or-death situation. Getting upset is one thing, but theatrics and lashing out create an unpredictable, unsafe environment that's neither conducive to friendship nor any other kind of healthy relationship. Even if she's upset, she needs to be claim responsibility for her actions and words and pay attention to how they affect others and cut that shit out. That's part 1.

Part 2 is that she claims she can't remember anything. At best, she has a bad memory or was really drunk. At worst, this is just another tool for her to absolve herself from responsibility. Not only does she let herself lash out, but by claiming she can't remember anything, she can do it over and over with impunity. Regardless of why she can't remember, her inability puts you in a position where you can't talk about what happened and  mend the relationship. So not only are you left disoriented, you've been deprived of your opportunity to find your way back. Double-shitty.

Some people would just walk away. It's certainly an option and I wouldn't fault you for it; although conflict might be a regular part of life, I don't think anger and hostility need to be, certainly not by choice. What's a friendship really worth if you can't relax and trust the person? On the other hand, if this is an isolated incident and you have a lot of history together, maybe you can work something out by talking. If you're contemplating walking away, you don't have much to lose. 

In the end, it comes down to this: there are some things you can change and some things you can't. Some people are set in their ways and don't care to change (or worse, can't). Their habits, addictions, fears, drives, personality, and body pull them in a certain direction. The stronger the pull, the harder it is to effect any kind of change. 

You know yourself, you know you think you're capable of working it out, or will you end up revisiting this issue over and over? Is it worth the trouble? Will you feel "right" in the relationship, or will you always feel like something is off or missing? There's no right or wrong decision. You just have to try and do what's best for you in the long-run.

Update: Asker is dropping her friend in order to cut drama out of her life. Kudos!

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