Last Question

Dear Edahn,

Why do so many people lack stamina in seeing through their projects? :P

-a fan

Dear Fan,

Ask someone else. :-)

Edahn

Goodbye, World!

All good things come to an end.

It has been a fun experiment, but it's time to move on.

Thank you all for your support, encouragement, feedback, and loyalty.

If you ever need to get in touch with me, you can reach me at AskEdahn@gmail.com. If you want an opinion about something, I'm available for that. But if you just want to say hi, go for it.

I'll be around, though I'm going to formally "close" this blog on Sunday night.

Make beautiful moments and cherish one another.

Love,
Edahn

I farted during sex

Dear Edahn,

I'm mortified. The other night I was hooking up with my new BF and I actually farted while orgasming--right on top of him!!! I want to die. I just sorta pretended it didn't happen and continued on as usual. I'm wondering if there is actually any chance that he didn't notice. Is this the kind of thing you might not notice? It's never happened to me before, so I'm wondering how common it is. Also, I haven't seen him since. It was two nights ago. Should I bring it up as a joke, or just hope it never comes up again?

I think we're all hoping it never comes up again. Neighbors especially.

Is there a chance he didn't hear? I don't know. How loud was the fart, and how good is his hearing? Was it scented?

Ideally, farting is kind of Buddhist gift. You can't pretend to be anyone but a completely fallible, imperfect human, and you can't help laugh at the same time. It may seem gross at first, but really, it's a backdoor (no pun yadda yadda) to intimacy. 

But alas, you did what any reasonable person would do and pretended it never happened. "What fart?" you cleverly dissembled. You missed your chance to laugh and for him to say "you sicken me," lovingly. So now what? On the one hand, the moment's kind of gone. On the other hand, it sounds like there's some lingering awkwardness. If I were you, I would address it by telling your boyfriend that you have something really serious to talk about. Once he gets a little worried, tell him you heard him fart during sex. He'll be confused for a minute, and either deny it or blame you for farting. If he denies it, that means he didn't hear your fart. That's your cue to say "it's okay, you can tell me. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody poops," a few times over. If he blames you, then he heard it, in which case you start denying it playfully and say you have no idea what he's talking about. Then, if you want, you can own up to it, say how you immediately went into shock, and had no idea how to bring it up. You both laugh at the situation together and start having sex. And just then...

homicdal rage

This question was submitted via Gchat.

[hey asshole,]

how do i stop having revenge fantasies about hurting my boss's children

im on the verge or homicdal rage

Ugh, what's up with your spelling? And your punctuation is just atrocious! Who taught you how to write? Dan Brown?

So you're either "on the verge" or you are "homicdal [sic] rage"? Is this a trick question? How can you be homicdal rage? Are you trapped in a poem? You might have bigger problems than your boss.

And really, no periods at all? One would think periods, if anything, would have been on your mind.

Listen, next time you want to write in with a question, how about you use spell check, or grammar check, or just let your baby brother proofread your submission. Seriously, I can't even tell what you're asking. I don't speak Fucking Dumbass.

Sincerely,

Edahn

Follow up:

dear Edahn,

Fuck you...

warning: when I finally lose it and go on a rampage, you should consider yourself added to my hitlist 

LOL ;)

Should I ask her to move in with me?

Hi Edahn,

So I've been casually seeing this girl for a few months who I REALLY like; I really really like this woman. When we first started seeing each other we lived in the same city, then she moved, but we continued to keep in touch. This girl has grown on me, I really would love to have her in my life on a regular basis, but my life is here, in this city. Since she's moved away she's driven out to see me a few times, and we always have a great time. I know she's having second thoughts about her move back home. She's not sure on what she wants in life right now, but her family is driving her nuts, and I think she wants to move back. Money is always an issue, and I want to let her know she can move back and live with me without moving too fast, or overwhelming her. Moving in together is a big step, but I think we're a good fit. What can I do to help her move in the right direction? The one that leads towards ME.

Don't hate me, but I wouldn't recommend it. It sounds to me like you're still in the courtship phase of dating where you're getting to know another and still trying to impress one another. I wouldn't recommend moving in together at this point because if you do, I worry that you'll be forced into constant flirting and courtship.

In normal dating, you meet, you flirt/court for a while, and then you retreat back to your own space. Over time, the flirting tapers off and you just communicate naturally about boring, routine, but natural stuff. Basically, the pressure to be immediately close by being cutesy, funny, and interesting wears off as you naturally start to feel close (and safe) and those qualities come out on their own. I'm not sure how your relationship is going to shape up and whether that feeling of safety (what I've been calling Trust) is going to emerge. But accelerating your relationship by moving in together can threaten to disrupt and complicate that process. You'll be spending a lot of time together, practically be committed to each other, and you'll be compromising your privacy, which, if you're the least bit introverted, is sacred time.

So, I'd suggest you keep seeing each other normally even if it's long distance. You can offer her your place for a day or two so she can look for a job and a place, but I wouldn't do much more than that. Alas, this is your decision, and if you're still determined to move in together, I'd suggest offering her your place for a 3 week trial. Tell her that you've enjoyed her company and would like to see more of her, that you'd like her to move back, and that you wanted to offer your place up for a few weeks if it would help her get situated and find a job. Tell her that she can pitch in for groceries if she ends up eating everything in site (as you would do). Hear out what she says and try to be objective about things while making a decision. If, after a few weeks, she finds a job and you really seem to be getting along, you can talk about having her stay another month and helping out on the rent. If that goes well, you can just keep living together. G'luck to both of you! I really hope it works out, in whatever form.

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Hiding Behind Roles

Dear Edahn, 

I have been seeing someone for a while who is very sweet and caring, and who I care about very much. I notice that sometimes he gets either distracted or cold suddenly (even for a moment, sometimes there are times where I think he is either uncomfortable or not having fun and then he keeps referring to that event and what a great time he had - and not in the tweaky/nervous way I associate with lying) and I have addressed it with him, but he consistently tells me that it's unintentional. I'm very affectionate and also hyper-sensitive to the way other people feel, so I may not be perceiving it correctly. 

I was telling a friend earlier today that I've decided to accept that he isn't like me and isn't constantly on affection mode, particularly because I don't want him to change, and certainly not for or because of me. My friend responded that she thinks it's suspicious. She also brought up that sometimes I won't hear from him for a day or so and it will hurt my feelings/ego a little, but I don't address this because I think it's both embarrassing and unreasonable to get upset with someone when they have other priorities they are focused on.

There is no question in my mind as to whether or not he cares about me. Until I talk to another girl and she poisons my mind. Am I in denial or is my friend a crazy? 

Let's not be presumptuous...you can be in denial and your friend can be crazy. Shit, you can both be crazy. Especially if you and "your friend" are the same person. In which case you could both be in denial. Okay, this joke is stupid. I get it. I get it. I get it...

Alright. *puts down briefcase* So what's up with his "cold flashes"?

What I think you're seeing is him dropping his role. Which role, Edahn? The role of the engaged, affectionate boyfriend. It doesn't mean he naturally feels cold towards you; it means that he feels overwhelming pressure to be that person right now. There are a few reasons for that. First, people naturally seek out roles in relationships. Second, he might be clinging to that role because he doesn't trust that he can be himself and maintain a relationship because of his own confidence issues. Third, it sounds like you've been a little needy and he might feel guilty for not acknowledging and responding to all your advances, which are really requests for reassurance. Those advances can be really subtle, and if he needs to respond to each one by summoning emotion, enthusiasm, or interest, you can see how after a while he'll feel exhausted. Fourth, like your friend suggested, it's possible that he's clinging to that role to hide his resentment and frustration with your neediness or with something else. In other words, he's over it.

I can't say which one it is, so I think what you should do is try an experiment. Let him go where ever he needs to go emotionally. Try and reign in the neediness for an evening and just see what happens. When he gets his cold flash, let him be and don't call attention to it which forces him to adjust. He'll probably be distant for a while, but I think he needs to inhabit that mental/emotional space in order to move forward and grow. Which way will he grow?* We'll see. Maybe towards you, maybe away, but it'll be genuine and it'll make sense because it'll come from a tender, genuine place and you'll be okay with it too. Worst case scenario, you gain a little more insight into your own needs and his, which is still pretty good.


*Oh c'mon people! Get your mind out of the gutter!

You're so vain, you probably think this post is about...veins.

[Dear Edahn,] 

Since I've been working out more I've noticed that I have really bulgy veins. I work out to look better, but I feel like veins are not so cute. So I ask you Edahn, bulging veins on an otherwise sexy woman: hot or not?

As the official, appointed representative of all men around the world, I will tell you that veins are not really a big deal until to they get to this level:

Nevermind the fact that she looks like she's wearing her lungs inside out, or that the shape of her "boobs" defy normal geometric classification, this chick looks like she would fucking eat me after we mated. And by "mated" I mean she would do me from behind with her huge, veiny penis. Yeah, who's my little bitch... I am!

Little-to-moderate veinage isn't a big deal, and even if it was, the attractiveness points you lose when your veins start protruding are amply offset by the points you gain when your ass-fat dissolves and you no longer start panting when you climb 3 stairs. So don't worry so much. Yet.

Stopping the War

I had a question I was going to answer tonight, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow because something is more pressing. I don't know how many of you follow the news, but lately, the world has become more dangerous, more threatening, and more violent. Any conflicts that existed in the world have amplified due to the desire for and possession of nuclear weapons. It's a very scary situation. At the bottom of it all? I guess that's up to you to decide. The way I see it, it's greed and inner conflict that drives individuals and groups to want more and more. They want to secure their position and rank in the world and conflict is their tool.

Most of the time, I'm too caught up my own future--my job, my dating life, my social roles and relationships--to really appreciate how dire the situation is. Today, though, I had one of those rare moments where you fully appreciate how awful things are. As I walked back from the gym, I looked at couples and imagined them mourning each other after a horrible catastrophe. It was very sad.

"So what should I do?" I wondered today. How do I contribute to this? How does one eradicate greed and bring peace to people who are so tense and aggressive that they don't even know the meaning of joy? Then I remembered something my late Zen Master said: start with yourself, then make peace in your family, then your community, then your country, then the world. Those are wise words. In order to know how to act, you need to put away your own issues, and you don't put them away through more aggression. You put them away by making peace inside yourself and vowing not to do any more damage. You watch the way you place demands on yourself and the way you reject the parts your don't like. You make a promise to stop the inner war and you commit to it with resolution. I made that promise today and started to cry immediately. I want you to make that promise too and stick to it. Okay? Do it for yourself. Do it for the world.

Too much internet dating?

Edahn,

A few weeks ago I signed up for the internet dating site JDate, not because I have a hard time meeting girls, but because I have a hard time meeting JEWISH girls. Since I started "using" (it sometimes feels like a drug) all of Jdate's resources I noticed my social life has gone to shit. I have forgotten how to interact with people in real life...I'm not AS responsive as I used to be and that makes me feel awkward at times. There's no pause/delay time in real life that gives a person the opportunity to say that perfect response. Do you have any thoughts on how a person can use the skills they've picked up by talking to girls over the internet and somehow translate it into normal person to person conversation.

Sometimes I tell people not to worry because I know it's what they need to hear to move forward, but I'm going to tell you not to worry because you really don't have to. As you keep developing your online persona and voice, the jokes and responses will start coming faster and faster. Over a pretty short time, your online persona and real life persona will merge together, and you'll have your jokes and responses when you need them. You don't need to actively do anything. It's already happening naturally. If anything, you should be worried that it happens too much and you start talking to people like you're online, drawing emoticons on napkins instead of smiling and asking girls at Starbucks if they'd like to meet you for coffee sometime.

How does it feel to be you?

Hey Edahn, 

How does it feel to be a stupid faggot who eats his boogers?

Dear Fuckface,


It feels kind of like this:

A joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he's drinks it, the monkey starts running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole," says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. As the man drinks his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. 

"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first."

When it is time to break up?

Dear Edahn,

When is it time to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend?

IF YOU KNOW WHAT type of relationship will really fulfill you and your current relationship isn't cutting it, then it's time to ask two questions: 1) Can it be improved or is the problem permanent (e.g., due to a difference in personalities, compatibility, needs)? 2) Do I have the motivation, energy, and skill to improve it, or is it smarter to just move on and try again elsewhere? It takes honesty and some wisdom to answer those questions. Talking, reading, and soliciting advice from friends can facilitate that process. Don't get suckered in by your emotions or your fear of hurting the other person; if you decide it's not a good match, it's better to break it off than drag things out and make each other suffer.

Lots of people don't know what kind of relationship will fulfill them because they haven't been exposed to what a healthy relationship looks like. Their parents might have a fucked up, resentment-filled relationship, or they've watched too many sappy romantic dramas, or they just haven't really reflected on who they are and what their needs are. And, when they do reflect on their needs, they do it from a position of insecurity and neediness, rather than maturity and self-sufficiency. They're looking to hold onto someone that keeps them stimulated and distracted (like an addiction), rather than enjoy life with them.

One of the nice things about being in a bad relationship is that you get to learn about yourself and your needs (and your issues). But I don't think you need to suffer to gain that insight into yourself. A while ago, I developed this little exercise that helps me hone my search. What you do is take a deep breath and imagine yourself happy and calm. You're collected. At rest. Your life is running nicely. You are thoughtful, creative, and reflective. You appreciate things and have a gentle disposition, but you're not a pussy. Picture what your face looks like. Picture yourself sitting at a restaurant or cafe, looking out at the crowds. Now picture your significant other across from you. What is he or she like? What do they feel like to you? How do they talk? How do they move? How do you connect with them? What's it like driving with them in the car? What's it like when you're not talking? That, right there, is your true love.

Spanx for Nuthin'

Hi Edahn, (Hello, madam)

I recently became aware of the huge difference wearing spanx can have on my appearance and confidence, (is this an ad?) especially in clingy clothing. The problem is that I never know how to go from dressed to undressed with a guy when I am wearing undergarments that will likely remind him of his grandma. Any tips? 

So I googled "spanx" because I had no idea what you were talking about. For all the guys, this is a spanx (spank?) ----->

Personally, that does not remind me of my grandma. Diapers, pudding, and Alzheimer's medication remind me of my grandma. I actually think these things are pretty cool, and I'm not just saying that because the good people at Spanx, Inc. offered to pay me for saying that, verbatim.

Here're a few options you can "try on." (Get it? Try on? Ahh, whatever...)

1. Upon disrobing, you say "they're called Spanx. Know why?" Then you make a motion of your hand slapping your own ass.

2. You excuse yourself to the bathroom, remove Spanx, insert into purse, and come back out wearing your outer garments.

3. Same as 2, but you come out wearing whipped cream and cherries.

4. Same as 3, but you come out completely naked. If you do this, you HAVE to first say "I'm going to slip into something more [pause] comfortable," otherwise it's officially not awesome.

5. You say "yeah, they're like [whatever the guy you're hooking up with is wearing, it doesn't matter], except less gay."

6. You take them off together with your outer garments. Is it slutty? Eh. Think of it as efficient.

7. You say absolutely nothing because the guy you're hooking up with really doesn't give a shit as long as he knows it's eventually coming off.


And that, my friends, is how you solve a dilemma. Spanx for writing in! Please whore out my blog!

What is Desire?

Buddhism has been condensed into the handy 4 Noble Truths, the second of which is that desire is the cause of suffering. There's a lot of talk about what old Siddartha meant when he said "desire."

Alan Watts, my dead gay-crush, translated it as "thirst." In an essay entitled The World As Emptiness, he says:

Better, perhaps, is 'craving, clinging, grasping,' or even, to use our modern psychological word, 'blocking.' When, for example, somebody is blocked, and dithers and hesitates, and doesn't know what to do, he is in the strictest Buddhist sense attached, he's stuck. But a buddha can't be stuck, he cannot be phased. He always flows, just as water always flows, even if you dam it, the water just keeps on getting higher and higher and higher until it flows over the dam. It's unstoppable.

Now, really, I'm not a Buddhist. At best I'm a wannabe Buddhist. There are times when I consider the meaning of the word "clinging" and it really makes sense to me, like your mind attaches to some idea and fixates on it. For example, there's a story about two Zen monks who see a hot, rich MILF sitting by a river, whining crying because she can't get across. She pleads with the monks for help even though they're technically forbidden from touching MILF. The older monk picks her up without a word, drops her off on the other river bank, and continues walking. A little while later, the younger monk, pissed, starts berating the older monk for breaking his vows and MILF-touching. The older monk turns to the younger one and says "I only carried her across the river. You have been carrying her all day." Pwned!

Today, however, I had a new understanding of desire. It's not that you're forbidden from wanting things. That kind of instruction will never help you because in order to stop wanting, you have to WANT to stop wanting. That's not gonna work. Rather than thinking of is as desire, I understand it as desperation. It's not wanting things that causes problems, but desperately needing something to change. If you're quiet for a minute, you can start to feel that sense of desperation flood your mind and hijack your body. For me, it feels like a little heat and burning in my chest and genitals*. It's like I'm being drawn to something unconsciously, almost like a hallucination. Then I identify it and bring myself back to zero without desperation.

Exercise

I think it'd be cool if we all did the same exercise together. Even if we're not physically together, it's cool to think that somewhere in the world, a bunch of shmucks are all trying to unravel the secrets of human experience.

For the next 30 minutes, contemplate the difference between desire and desperation. When you see desperation pop up into your experience, just identify it. There's no rush to do anything with it or freak out. Try gently bringing yourself back to baseline by releasing any desperation, any need to desperately have something or change something in you, in others, or in your environment. We're not saying we'll never change anything, we're just that for the next 30 minutes, we don't need it to change right away.

* My doctor informs me that that's something else.

NO WAY

Holy shit, this is real!

Should I get back together with my ex?

Dear Edahn,

He's the first guy I ever loved. We dated for the first couple years in college, then broke up and went our separate ways. We maintained an awkward and distant relationship, quasi-physical. Recently, a conversation about getting back together sparked when he was visiting San Francisco over the holidays; he lives in Brooklyn. 

We talked about love and that kind of unique crazy it drives us. He hates NY and wants to move immediately, but the catch is that due to poor money management and credit card debt, he is stuck in NY for at least another year and a half. I care deeply about him, and I can see us growing old together, but I haven't been close to him, neither geographically nor emotionally, in years. I'm scared that if all ducks line up some how and we get back together, in 2 years we're going to realize we don't belong together and we made a HUGE mistake by wasting each other's time. How do I get through this time in my life when I feel like I should be out looking for happiness and love but instead I'm pining for it across the country, for a ridiculous amount of time?! It seems like I'm scared to move on, but at the same time, I'm really coming back to a familiar face, feeling, and fuck that has never been equaled or eclipsed by anyone since him. I want to wait for him, but I don't know if that's an intelligent thing to do. Thanks.

Sounds to me like you've been stuck for a long, long time, neither being emotionally connected to this guy nor emotionally available for other potential boyfriends. Part of the reason for that, I suspect, is that you've been thinking too much about this and trying to get an answer. Your mind will project into every possibility and seize on every emotion floating around. It'll lead you to conflicting solutions just like you're experiencing right now and tangle you up.

Forget that. This situation isn't going to be resolved by more thinking and speculation; it's going to be solved by putting all of that down and listening to your intuition, your "heart." Your heart knows the deal. It knows if you're really a good match for this guy and it knows if you've been holding on to this relationship to avoid putting yourself on the line in other relationships. Even if I knew the answers to those questions, it wouldn't matter because this is a decision that has to come from inside, otherwise it'll fall prey to the thinking and skepticism that has dominated this aspect of your life for the past 4+ years.

So what practical steps can you take? Trying to get in touch with your heart is tricky because if you try too hard, you get thrown back into your thinking. For that reason, I suggest you practice kindness. Start paying attention to every action and interaction throughout your day and ask yourself these questions: "Am I doing what's right? Am I listening to my heart? Am I acting with dignity and integrity? Am I acting with courage and strength? Am I sincere and understanding? Do I feel proud  (in a good way) of who I am?" This doesn't just apply to your relationship with your potentially-significant other, but to your relationship with everyone -- friends, family, strangers, animals, and especially yourself. After a month of practice -- and practice is a key word as you'll develop more depth and sincerity with time -- you can revisit the question of your relationship by asking yourself this short question: "does this make sense?" 

Try it. Even if you don't believe it'll work, it's a great exercise in personal development and spiritual housecleaning. G'luck!

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Losing my Text Drive

Lately, I have come to the realization that most guys simply don't call girls anymore! Rather, they would much prefer to send text messages than attempting some sort of human connection. Can you please explain this to me? Why aren't many men putting in the extra effort and calling? Does whether a guy calls or text mean something about how much he likes a girl? Is it true that a guy who likes a girl more tends to call? Is it true that a guy who is less "serious" texts more? At what point should the guy text a little less and call a little more? Is there a way for a woman to signal to a guy that she would much rather he call than text without sounding too "needy" or "psycho"?

From: Asker

9:10am 2/1/2010

Maybe they don't like calling you because you ask too many questions.

Okay okay. Honestly, for some people texting is easier and more fun. You have more time to think about what to say and don't have the pressure of having to keep the conversation flowing. If you want to talk live, tell the guy to call you later that night. Like most things in life, it's not a big deal if you don't make it into a big deal.

From: Edahn
10:00am 2/1/2010