Hey Edahn, 

How does it feel to be a stupid faggot who eats his boogers?

Dear Fuckface,


It feels kind of like this:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he's drinks it, the monkey starts running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole," says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. As the man drinks his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. 

"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first."

Dear Edahn,

When is it time to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend?

If you know what type of relationship will really fulfill you and your current relationship isn't cutting it, then it's time to ask two questions: 1) Can it be improved or is the problem permanent (e.g., due to a difference in personalities, compatibility, needs)? 2) Do I have the motivation, energy, and skill to improve it, or is it smarter to just move on and try again elsewhere? It takes honesty and some wisdom to answer those questions. Talking, reading, and soliciting advice from friends can facilitate that process. Don't get suckered in by your emotions or your fear of hurting the other person; if you decide it's not a good match, it's better to break it off than drag things out and make each other suffer.

Lots of people don't know what kind of relationship will fulfill them because they haven't been exposed to what a healthy relationship looks like. Their parents might have a fucked up, resentment-filled relationship, or they've watched too many sappy romantic dramas, or they just haven't really reflected on who they are and what their needs are. And, when they do reflect on their needs, they do it from a position of insecurity and neediness, rather than maturity and self-sufficiency. They're looking to hold onto someone that keeps them stimulated and distracted (like an addiction), rather than enjoy life with them.

One of the nice things about being in a bad relationship is that you get to learn about yourself and your needs (and your issues). But I don't think you need to suffer to gain that insight into yourself. A while ago, I developed this little exercise that helps me hone my search. What you do is take a deep breath and imagine yourself happy and calm. You're collected. At rest. Your life is running nicely. You are thoughtful, creative, and reflective. You appreciate things and have a gentle disposition, but you're not a pussy. Picture what your face looks like. Picture yourself sitting at a restaurant or cafe, looking out at the crowds. Now picture your significant other across from you. What is he or she like? What do they feel like to you? How do they talk? How do they move? How do you connect with them? What's it like driving with them in the car? What's it like when you're not talking? That, right there, is your true love.

Hi Edahn, (Hello, madam)

I recently became aware of the huge difference wearing spanx can have on my appearance and confidence, (is this an ad?) especially in clingy clothing. The problem is that I never know how to go from dressed to undressed with a guy when I am wearing undergarments that will likely remind him of his grandma. Any tips? 

So I googled "spanx" because I had no idea what you were talking about. For all the guys, this is a spanx (spank?) ----->

Personally, that does not remind me of my grandma. Diapers, pudding, and Alzheimer's medication remind me of my grandma. I actually think these things are pretty cool, and I'm not just saying that because the good people at Spanx, Inc. offered to pay me for saying that, verbatim.

Here're a few options you can "try on." (Get it? Try on? Ahh, whatever...)

1. Upon disrobing, you say "they're called Spanx. Know why?" Then you make a motion of your hand slapping your own ass.

2. You excuse yourself to the bathroom, remove Spanx, insert into purse, and come back out wearing your outer garments.

3. Same as 2, but you come out wearing whipped cream and cherries.

4. Same as 3, but you come out completely naked. If you do this, you HAVE to first say "I'm going to slip into something more [pause] comfortable," otherwise it's officially not awesome.

5. You say "yeah, they're like [whatever the guy you're hooking up with is wearing, it doesn't matter], except less gay."

6. You take them off together with your outer garments. Is it slutty? Eh. Think of it as efficient.

7. You say absolutely nothing because the guy you're hooking up with really doesn't give a shit as long as he knows it's eventually coming off.


And that, my friends, is how you solve a dilemma. Spanx for writing in! Please whore out my blog!

Buddhism has been condensed into the handy 4 Noble Truths, the second of which is that desire is the cause of suffering. There's a lot of talk about what old Siddartha meant when he said "desire."

Alan Watts, my dead gay-crush, translated it as "thirst." In an essay entitled The World As Emptiness, he says:

Better, perhaps, is 'craving, clinging, grasping,' or even, to use our modern psychological word, 'blocking.' When, for example, somebody is blocked, and dithers and hesitates, and doesn't know what to do, he is in the strictest Buddhist sense attached, he's stuck. But a buddha can't be stuck, he cannot be phased. He always flows, just as water always flows, even if you dam it, the water just keeps on getting higher and higher and higher until it flows over the dam. It's unstoppable.

Now, really, I'm not a Buddhist. At best I'm a wannabe Buddhist. There are times when I consider the meaning of the word "clinging" and it really makes sense to me, like your mind attaches to some idea and fixates on it. For example, there's a story about two Zen monks who see a hot, rich MILF sitting by a river, whining crying because she can't get across. She pleads with the monks for help even though they're technically forbidden from touching MILF. The older monk picks her up without a word, drops her off on the other river bank, and continues walking. A little while later, the younger monk, pissed, starts berating the older monk for breaking his vows and MILF-touching. The older monk turns to the younger one and says "I only carried her across the river. You have been carrying her all day." Pwned!

Today, however, I had a new understanding of desire. It's not that you're forbidden from wanting things. That kind of instruction will never help you because in order to stop wanting, you have to WANT to stop wanting. That's not gonna work. Rather than thinking of is as desire, I understand it as desperation. It's not wanting things that causes problems, but desperately needing something to change. If you're quiet for a minute, you can start to feel that sense of desperation flood your mind and hijack your body. For me, it feels like a little heat and burning in my chest and genitals*. It's like I'm being drawn to something unconsciously, almost like a hallucination. Then I identify it and bring myself back to zero without desperation.

Exercise

I think it'd be cool if we all did the same exercise together. Even if we're not physically together, it's cool to think that somewhere in the world, a bunch of shmucks are all trying to unravel the secrets of human experience.

For the next 30 minutes, contemplate the difference between desire and desperation. When you see desperation pop up into your experience, just identify it. There's no rush to do anything with it or freak out. Try gently bringing yourself back to baseline by releasing any desperation, any need to desperately have something or change something in you, in others, or in your environment. We're not saying we'll never change anything, we're just that for the next 30 minutes, we don't need it to change right away.

* My doctor informs me that that's something else.

Holy shit, this is real!

Dear Edahn,

He's the first guy I ever loved. We dated for the first couple years in college, then broke up and went our separate ways. We maintained an awkward and distant relationship, quasi-physical. Recently, a conversation about getting back together sparked when he was visiting San Francisco over the holidays; he lives in Brooklyn. 

We talked about love and that kind of unique crazy it drives us. He hates NY and wants to move immediately, but the catch is that due to poor money management and credit card debt, he is stuck in NY for at least another year and a half. I care deeply about him, and I can see us growing old together, but I haven't been close to him, neither geographically nor emotionally, in years. I'm scared that if all ducks line up some how and we get back together, in 2 years we're going to realize we don't belong together and we made a HUGE mistake by wasting each other's time. How do I get through this time in my life when I feel like I should be out looking for happiness and love but instead I'm pining for it across the country, for a ridiculous amount of time?! It seems like I'm scared to move on, but at the same time, I'm really coming back to a familiar face, feeling, and fuck that has never been equaled or eclipsed by anyone since him. I want to wait for him, but I don't know if that's an intelligent thing to do. Thanks.

Sounds to me like you've been stuck for a long, long time, neither being emotionally connected to this guy nor emotionally available for other potential boyfriends. Part of the reason for that, I suspect, is that you've been thinking too much about this and trying to get an answer. Your mind will project into every possibility and seize on every emotion floating around. It'll lead you to conflicting solutions just like you're experiencing right now and tangle you up.

Forget that. This situation isn't going to be resolved by more thinking and speculation; it's going to be solved by putting all of that down and listening to your intuition, your "heart." Your heart knows the deal. It knows if you're really a good match for this guy and it knows if you've been holding on to this relationship to avoid putting yourself on the line in other relationships. Even if I knew the answers to those questions, it wouldn't matter because this is a decision that has to come from inside, otherwise it'll fall prey to the thinking and skepticism that has dominated this aspect of your life for the past 4+ years.

So what practical steps can you take? Trying to get in touch with your heart is tricky because if you try too hard, you get thrown back into your thinking. For that reason, I suggest you practice kindness. Start paying attention to every action and interaction throughout your day and ask yourself these questions: "Am I doing what's right? Am I listening to my heart? Am I acting with dignity and integrity? Am I acting with courage and strength? Am I sincere and understanding? Do I feel proud  (in a good way) of who I am?" This doesn't just apply to your relationship with your potentially-significant other, but to your relationship with everyone -- friends, family, strangers, animals, and especially yourself. After a month of practice -- and practice is a key word as you'll develop more depth and sincerity with time -- you can revisit the question of your relationship by asking yourself this short question: "does this make sense?" 

Try it. Even if you don't believe it'll work, it's a great exercise in personal development and spiritual housecleaning. G'luck!

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