Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Why men will always hate your stupid cat, by Edahn

Not LOLing anymore, are you fucker?
Dear Edahn,

Seriously though, how come guys don't like cats? It's like they tolerate them to hang out in your house, but generally can't stand 'em. Maybe its just been my luck. Thanks for pondering this over.

You don't have to thank me. Pondering nonsense is my forte. *adjusts tie* Let me try to illustrate the answer with an analogy:

Cats : Owners : : Unattainable hot chicks : Guys

You see, cats represent everything we men hate about women. Cats are soft and attractive and they know it. They waltz around the room, purring and making suggestive, almost choreographed movements, but they're not interested in getting to know you. They don't care what you're thinking or feeling. They don't care what you want to do. Cats just care about what they want to do, when they want to do it. Once in a while they give you a little hint that they're interested in you. They might rub their body or tail against you or even lick you with their little sandpaper tongues, and you think omg this is so awesome, this is what I've been waiting for! But guess what. The cat is just playing a manipulative game with you, because a few seconds later it's going to walk away not giving a shit again, and you're going to be left thinking damn, what did I do wrong? The whole process turns into an sick and subtle game of affection and withdrawal. The worst part? The cat knows exactly what it's doing.

Dominant women play the same twisted game as le cat (that's French) and manage to manipulate our emotions the same way. But eventually we wisen up and realize that we didn't really care that much to begin with and find someone who's less egotistical and maybe a little more needy (Cf. the dog). Since the sexual element is (mostly) absent with cats, we just figure it out much faster, hence our antipathy.

If any cats happen to be reading this, please do us all a favor and drop your fucking ego. You're not God's gift to the world, so shut up and stop walking around like you own the place. Lose the narcissism and then we'll talk. P.S. Call me.


Raven Moonhawk said...

HAHAA I love this!!!

p.s. my fiance loves my cat. both him AND my dad take pictures of her and pick her up and blow kisses on her stomach. She plays the twisted Le Cat game, and we all love it.

But I REALLY appreciate this Post! It's so true at the same time!

edahn said...


Anonymous said...

And now for the counterpoint: Dogs are so gross. They're always trying to get up on you, harassing guests and pestering you right when you want to relax. They lick disgusting things and then try to lick your face and feet (so you can't go around barefoot or in sandals).

They're always sniffing around with those huge, ugly noses. They tear things up with their teeth. They defecate and urinate all over the floor. They keep on trying to get on the table during your meal and won't let you eat in peace. They bark and whine all day and night.

Okay, maybe domesticated animals in general are a bad idea. But I certainly don't think a dog could ever be less annoying than a cat.