Tuesday, January 17, 2012

How do I forgive my boyfriend?

Dear Edahn,

I just moved in with someone in another city. He's 17 years older than I and we have been dating a little under a year. He was in a divorce over a year ago because his ex-wife had an affair for 2 years. Since we've been together I walked up behind him sending "I miss you" messages to an ex-girlfriend. And today I found an email from his ex-wife saying they had sex 2 months ago 2 days after we reconciled. His ex-wife also claims to have been pregnant and miscarried a month after we met. I'm a moderately honest person and I want to forgive him. I have not brought the email to his attention. I'm so ashamed of myself for snooping. Can I forgive and trust him? Being young I now feel naive and fooled.

YOU FEEL FOOLED BECAUSE you are being fooled. This is not someone you should trust. You have all the evidence you could ever want and more. That part is obvious and not really controversial. It sucks that you moved in with him, but I really think you should reconsider your decision. The real question here is why you're selecting these kinds of guys and even considering going back to them after they've shown themselves to be untrustworthy. 

I don't know what it is about this guy that attracts you, but whatever it is, it doesn't overcome his poor character. Character isn't something you can change, and in the end you'll get hurt. Try dating someone closer to your age who has real integrity--someone you deserve. You can even consider taking a break from dating while you explore your values and take a closer look at your relationship choices. I wish you the best of luck. 


Janice said...

Yea. You definitely need to leave him. I was a man who was just like this. That break-up was the best thing that could have happened to that situation, though it was difficult at first. My friends have also been with guys like him, although these boyfriends' disrespect towards women quickly turned into violence against them.

You will never be able to have a future with this man now, knowing what you know now. If there's no future, there needn't be any present.

Martha said...

Agreed. The one thing that every person deserves (every person that is honest and not cheating themselves) is another person who really wants to be with them and cherishes that time together. Otherwise what is the point? Just to be in a relationship and avoid being alone? Not worth it. If you love yourself you can treat yourself better than a shitty relationship can. I guess that is something most of us have to learn the hard way. But ultimately we are all looking for someone who loves us honestly and has our best interest at heart... which leads to having your future children/family's best interest at heart. Because that's what it ultimately comes down to. Right?