Thursday, December 23, 2010

Should I crush my husband's crush?

Obvious Joke is Obvious
Hi Edahn,
I'm normally a fairly confident woman but recent events have changed that. My husband and I are friends with a really awesome and attractive couple. I have noticed for a while that my husband has a slight crush on the female friend but it never bothered me until now. I brought it up to him over the weekend and he admitted he thinks she's beautiful and nice but that he would never cheat on me. I actually do believe him and even though I know it's normal for people to find others attractive, it just really hurt me. 
My question is should we keep hanging out with them? I don't want to alienate him from them at all because I care for them both and love their company. I'm just afraid I'm going to feel incredibly insecure around her and my husband now and it might bring up these feelings again. 
OKAY, I'VE GIVEN THIS a lot of thought, and here's my conclusion. If what's bothering you is that this girlfriend is attractive and has good qualities, then you should try and work on your insecurities before cutting them off. (A little reassurance from your husband or friends can go a long way.) If, on the other hand, what's bothering you is that your husband has developed a crush on this girlfriend, then you should cut them off for the sake of your marriage.

Whether you take my suggestions or not, you should talk to your husband and work with him. Make him really appreciate the situation you both find yourself in. Don't turn it into a battle, just have a conversation together. You could ask him how he would feel if he was in your shoes, and even give him a sample of the types of things you might say if you had a crush on the guy-friend. Try and inject a little humor and levity into it if you can.

Situations like these call for a lot of wisdom and understanding and talking it out helps. There's no obvious answer, you just have to decide together what you think is the most intelligent course of action. Picture yourselves as a team with a mutual interest in your well being. Leave me a comment if you have any leftover concerns or questions.


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say thank you for your well thought out response. When I looked at the situation the way you put it, I realized that it is my own insecurities that i need to work on.

My husband feels really bad about hurting my feelings but I have decided to move on and get over it.


Anonymous said...

Wait a can be insecure and your husband can have a crush on this woman at the same time. It's not necessarily an either they say, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

You can be as secure as you want, but if you're asking me your husband is crushing seriously on a friend I would limit access to those people.