Lately I've been longing for a baby. I thought it was total BS, but the biological clock thing is happening to me. I'd be a great mom and everyone else thinks so too. Problem is, the finances are not there yet and my significant other does not want children. I feel like I have a tug-of-war going on inside me. Intellectually and emotionally I know the right decision for me, but my body is doing something totally different. It seems like it's all I think about.
This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision on my SO’s part. We started out both saying we wanted children, but he was diagnosed with an illness that is not terminal but incurable and takes its toll on the body. I'm really scared of losing him and being alone. I guess the sensible choice would be to find someone who is in good health, financially stable and who wants kids, but that's not the reality. Adoption isn’t an option either. I do not want to go through life without my SO, the love of my life who brings me such happiness, but at the same time, I don't want to have regrets.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE takes its toll on the body? MAKING A BABY COME OUT OF YOUR VAGINA. (I'm told.) My first question is: why doesn’t your SO want to have a kid? If he’s worried about passing on his genes, you should look into genetic testing. If he’s worried about getting old and disabled, that’s something that affects a marriage too, not just a child. Why is he okay being a disabled boyfriend, but not a disabled father? When will his disease really start affecting his ability to be a good parent? Will it at all? He won’t be the first good disabled parent out there, ya know. I’m not saying his concerns are completely unfounded, but it’s something to explore.
But let’s skip the easy part and get to the heart of the issue. How do you choose between having this guy and (possibly) having a kid with someone healthier and more financially stable? I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I’ll you how I would resolve the question.
There are times in a person’s life when they know exactly who they’re supposed to be and what type of life they’re meant to lead. Those moments are never forced and seem to transpire when you’re completely honest about your fears, desires, uncertainties, and your situation. Total honesty has a way of calming the insatiable need for answers that prevents us from seeing the path we’re meant to take along with all the tough decisions and commitments that accompany it. They’re not intellectual, emotional, or visceral decisions–they’re intuitive.
Right now, your heart is being pulled in two directions and your mind is trying to sort out how to make it all work nicely so no one gets hurt. It’s trying to come up with a formula to predict the right decision. I know, I’ve been there so many times, but it never works. It just generates confusion and slowly tears you apart. Your mind with its ideas and hypotheses won’t help you decide what to do, just how to do it. Even your body won’t give you a trustworthy answer. Only your heart can do that.
It’s time to get in touch with yourself. Right now, turn on some nostalgic, beautiful music. You can start with Feist. Make a plan to gather as many old journals, photos, and videos of yourself as a kid (videos are the most effective). Remind yourself who you’ve always been, all long. What kind of creature are you? What are your habits and talents? What’s important to you? What’s things are worth fighting for and protecting? What kind of moments do you want your life to contain? What kind of impact will you have on this ailing planet? On your friends? Your family? Your loved ones? What life are you supposed to have? What must you set out to do in order to feel proud of yourself? Which life-paths possess beauty and balance? This isn’t just about relationships, it’s about everything.
You’ll get it and you'll be fine. I have no doubt so don’t worry.