THANKS FOR TAKING THE enormous time to text in your question.
Here're some options:
1. Every time she calls, keep shifting the conversation to the competitive deals being offered by Allstate. "That's funny you mentioned that your boyfriend dumped you, because I don't think he was insured by Allstate, was he?"
2. Next time she says she's worried about you, tell her not to worry because the ER doctor said the surgery was mostly successful. Also, your new penis should be working any day now.
3. Every time she calls, send her a text that says "om gg hlppp" or "maskd men;; locaton unknw" or "need liam neeson asap". This can only end if she leaves this speech on your voicemail.
4. Start calling her every 20 minutes to ask her stupid questions like "what time is it?" and "have you heard about Allstate's great insurance rates?" The second one will be a stupid question because you already told her about Allstate's great insurance rates, right?
5. Hire a customer service representative to field all of her calls. Better yet, set up an elaborate and ultimately closed-loop phone tree that tries to figure out what she wants to talk about with you. Example: "Thank you for calling [your name]. Para Espanol, oprima numero dos. To better assist you with your call, please answer the following numbers with your touchtone keypad. To bitch about your most recent date, press 1. To complain about your supervisor, press 2. To discuss Allstate's amazing new insurance plans, press 3." Whatever she presses, make sure it goes to 3.
6. This one's a little more elaborate. Call a professional auctioneer. Ask him to help you set up an auction. (Find out if he takes a percentage or flat rate; it's important.) Sell everything you have, including any real estate. Go to Google Maps and find the nearest mountain range with a fresh water source nearby (river, lake). Learn to hunt. Buy a water purification kit. Learn to build a cabin. Buy cabin building supplies (screwdriver, hammer, maybe some nails or glue, I'm not really sure). Move to the wilderness with bare essentials. Make sure to take extra socks. Build the cabin and paint your face as part of your hunting ritual. Master your environment. Examine your life, its meaning, and your essential nature. Explore your most primal self. Get connected to the animals, the Earth, and Universe. Unravel the mysteries of God. Call friend and tell her you have no reception where you are.
Hope this helps!
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