Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Going back to the ex

Submitted via Facebook.
Dear Edahn,

Not sure if you've already written on this one already, but why do girls (or guys) go back to the one they swore they wouldn't hook up with or date again?

OKAY, SO THE SHALLOW answer is because they still want something from that person and are willing to take the risk of resuming some type of relationship with them. They either forget why they swore the person off, or don't feel as upset, or trick themselves into thinking it'll be different this time around. Sometimes it is actually different, but I have never seen that new dynamic develop into something truly satisfying and "healthy." In the few times where the dynamic changes, the power just shifts from one party to the other and the victim becomes the aggressor. Congratulations, you're officially an asshole.

The deeper answer to your question is because people lose their moral/personal compass. It's like this. We really do know what we want in life. It's not a possession, but more a lifestyle and impression we leave on the world. We know what it'll take for us to lead honorable, amusing, nourishing lives. It starts with an attitude, develops into a set of values, and then into specific goals. But all too often, that blueprint gets buried under the mountains of priorities, deadlines, goals, needs, overthinking, confusion, and wishes for immediate gratification. Without that blueprint, we forget how to make good decisions. We get disoriented and lazy and just choose what's easiest and what we want the most right now, without regard to how that decision will play out in the future.
Maintaining your compass takes work. It's like a pathway in a garden: if you don't sweep up the trash and leaves, you won't be able to recognize it and let it guide you. We all have to do that by keeping track of what's truly important to us. Otherwise you're doomed to walk outside one day and wonder "wasn't there something here a long time ago?"

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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

"We get disoriented and lazy and just choose what's easiest and what we want the most right now, without regard to how that decision will play out in the future"-

So how do u suggest getting oriented with what is most difficult to choose the *right* path?

Maintaining your compass takes work. It's like a pathway in a garden: if you don't sweep up the trash and leaves, you won't be able to recognize it and let it guide you. We all have to do that by keeping track of what's truly important to us. Otherwise you're doomed to walk outside one day and wonder "wasn't there something here a long time ago?"-

And again- so true. How can we gain the discipline to sweep up "the trash and leaves" so that we do not end up one day "wasn't there something here a long time ago"
Meaning for a philisophical answer that you have provided- is there really a simplistic methodical way we can go about this and follow our heads instead of our hearts.

Edahn said...

I'm gonna use this as my question for tomorrow if you don't mind, because a couple people asked the same question.

Crystal said...

It is because we are comfortable with people we know. Dating and telling our life story with the possibility of being rejected is not as comforting as someone that already knows us and accepts our crap.