Thursday, November 18, 2010
This one is gonna be more of a traditional blog post, since I seem to have solved all your problems.
I sat down to meditate again today and noticed how badly I was expecting something to happen. I've become used to this feeling, as I said in my prior post, it's an automatic thought I have. Immediately I remembered that I had nothing to really do and started to pay attention to what was already there, however mediocre it was. A few minutes passed by and things began to quiet down. I kept listening, and it occurred to me how eager I've been to find meaning in my life recently. A few weeks ago, I had a strong surge of meaning and determination where I knew exactly what I wanted to do with myself and my life. I wasn't sure how I was going to accomplish my goal, but I knew what the goal was: spreading beauty. I've been hesitant about sharing that with people, but what the hell. That intensity wore off and I've been looking for a means to return to it.
It occurred to me today, however, how much I've been demanding and trying to get there. What's happening in my mind is rejection; I've rejected my current experience while I look for something I consider better. And I do it over and over. And I've been doing it over and over, for years. This, I think, is what people mean by attachment to enlightenment. My mind gets stuck -- attached -- on this idea of where I want to be, and in the process, neglects where I am. The mind creates a feeling of unwelcomedness, like you're not allowed to be here just as you are, and like you need to get something else -- this meaning, this peace, this leverage over your "issues" -- in order to be able to sit with dignity. That without those things, you are essentially unworthy of relaxing; you didn't earn it. It also occurred to me how I can judge others for not possessing that self-connection and meaning in their own lives.
As I sat there, I challenged this notion and let the emptiness and the dissatisfaction and the frustration be there. Fuck it. I'm not gonna fight it anymore. I have a right to sit here just as I am. I have nothing else I have to do. Why be mean to myself? Why be mean to anyone? As I sat there feeling all the tensions in my body and the blah-feeling, I started repeating the phrase "Where ever I am..." This was interesting. I'm not gonna say it "worked" and gave me everything I wanted. That's BS. I did however get a moment to relax and feel integrated. There was no need to run anywhere.
It's interesting how we think of self-acceptance as this cathartic thing, and then try and push ourselves out of where we are into this cathartic, emotional state. That's not self-acceptance; it's self-rejection. A better practice would be to let yourself be frustrated, not in any fancy way, just in a very plan boring way. If you can open your heart up enough to allow yourself to be frustrated, you can start forgiving yourself for other shortcomings.