Monday, October 24, 2011

Is it wrong to hang out with your ex?

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Dear Edahn,

I've been in a long-distance relationship for 7 months. I recently got a text from a guy I hooked up with a few times. We were intimate when we first met, but it was extremely casual and ended quickly because I wasn't interested. The text said that he'd been dumped by his girl and wanted to grab a beer and catch up. I told my boyfriend about it, explaining that it was just a drink but he asked me not to hang with this friend. I texted my friend back and explained the situation and he was really understanding. We decided not to see each other. When I told my boyfriend about my decision, and he was pissed that I confided in my friend although he was satisfied that I agreed not to see him. I feel really uneasy about the whole thing. Was I wrong? 

IT'S IMPORTANT IN RELATIONSHIPS that you gauge threats accurately. If Ryan Gosling asked my girlfriend to come over to have some wine and watch some porno while they fed each other mussels, I'd be legitimately incensed, and not just because I think mussels are gross. On the other hand, if I felt threatened when my girlfriend's dad asked her to come over and make him toast, I'd be overreacting. If you're reading threats where none exist, your partner will feel oppressed and confused, kind of like how you might feel right now.

I don't know if your guy is gauging this threat--the invitation to the bar--accurately or not. When I first read your story, it definitely sounded suspicious. This guy's vulnerable, he has a brief history with you, wants to drink, and purposefully mentioned his ex. On its face, it sounds like he wants to connect with you...emotionally, penisly, everythingly. But I can also see the other side of this: that your boyfriend is being possessive, and maybe his insecurity (which could likely be connected to the long distance) is making him afraid of losing you to anyone, especially this guy. He might have no idea what he's feeling or might be too ashamed to admit it. Talk to each other and try and figure out if this poses a real threat or not. Don't be afraid to speak up if you really feel you're being mistreated.


Anonymous said...

I would say your first instinct was correct, suspicious. There is not many situations where a significant other, especially in a long distance relationship, would, or should, feel comfortable with someone going to get a drink with someone they were casually intimate with before on a SHORT term basis, not to mention someone in a rebound situation. She may not be interested, but we do not know the intentions of the other, one can only guess, and 9 times out of 10 my guess would be "suspicious". There is nothing possessive here, this was not someone important in their life, and she should respect the feelings of a person who is important in her life.

Anonymous said...

And furthermore, the blog title is misleading because this person was not her "ex", but rather someone she dated briefly, "hooked up a few times" and was not interested in. It would be much more acceptable to hang out with an actually ex, someone you bonded with, shared time with had a connection with and now could confide in who you were actually friends with, not some random person you hooked up with

edahn said...

Not sure I agree with your analysis, but so you know, the blog titles are purposefully written broadly for appeal. I didn't call the guy her ex in the actual post.

Thirty Girl said...

Wants to connect with you penisly. Haha! Love this. Yeah, I agree, her beer buddy is totally suspect. BUT she's not going to sleep with him - so her current boyfriend should understand and trust that. It doesn't matter if her guy friend wants it as long as she doesn't.

I continue to hang out with my ex. But if I started to date someone new, I think we'd have to cut the strings for good. It's why I wrote a post called, "I Never Want To See You Again... Until I'm Lonely."