And what about the self-esteem? What if I feel I am completely useless and no one will ever like me?
I'M A FIRM BELIEVER that self-esteem is something that everyone already has. Therefore, self-esteem isn't something you need to work to get, but something you need to work to uncover.
Uncovering self-esteem isn't really an intellectual process of analysis and thinking. It's really more anti-thinking . You can uncover it by stripping away the layers of self-doubt, self-judgment and future-thinking, and just looking at the person you already are in a very simple and quiet way. Looking at yourself that way and being with yourself that way makes you embrace the person that you are and see the value that you already possess. Again, it's not an intellectual process, it's just a process of being with your thoughts and feelings. You can call it authenticity. I call it Rest.
It makes sense to me that you feel so distanced from your natural self-worth, because your relationship was incredibly complicated. How often (and how deeply) did you feel like your natural, best self? How frequently did you feel calm and connected? In a relationship fraught with conflict, betrayal, and judgment, I would venture a guess that you felt this rarely. If you think you were completely yourself, then I would challenge you to contemplate the question who am I, in my heart?
In my previous post, I suggested you stop ruminating about the relationship and focus on yourself, your hobbies, your friends, the things that you forever enjoyed that made you feel like you. Try it. By doing that, you'll start to feel those layers of doubt and judgment will start to melt away and you'll naturally start feeling more authentic and more in touch. Your self-worth will slowly start to radiate out of from you, and along with that, a very sacred thing: hope. You'll start to see the possibilities for a satisfying life within reach and find the means to make it happen. Like you did long ago.
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