Tuesday, September 1, 2009

How to Submit a Question

CLICK COMMENTS AND TYPE YOUR QUESTION INTO THE COMMENT BOX (ANONYMOUS)
or 
EMAIL AskEdahn@Gmail.com (less anonymous).

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122 comments:

Edahn said...

Ask here!

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I am a 28 year old virgin. I'm not religious, and it's not that I dont want to have sex, because I do, very badly.

I think that for whatever reason it didn't happen when I was younger (family issues and schoolwork prevented me from having a long term relationship in high school and college, and I'm not the kind of girl who has one night stands). I should add that while I'm no supermodel, I'm attractive enough that I usually have no trouble attracting comparable men.

My problem is that I feel like as I date as an adult, sex is expected either very quickly or held off until two people are in an exclusive relationship.

When I date, I find myself self-conscious about having not done it. If I tell the guy early on, he inevitably gets freaked out and runs away. Sex is a conversation that tends to come up in dating, and I feel like I need to be honest about the fact that I havent done it.

This has been an issue for me for a long time now, and as I get older it only gets worse. Please help me before I become a thirty year old virgin. I'm starting to get desperate here, but really don't want to just jump into bed with the next guy who buys me a drink.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We see a lot of eachother, pretty much everyday, yet we don't have sex very often. When we do have sex, he has to be in the mood. On the other hand, when I am in the mood, he claims that he is tired and not horny. We end up arguing over this every so often, probably once every 2 weeks. Because we do not have sex that often, I think that he would jump at the chance to have sex with me if I wanted it, yet I fear that because he is so "comfortable", I may not turn him on like I used to. Usually I feel like I want sex a lot more often then he does, and this has posed a problem for me. What am I to make of all of this?

Anonymous said...

Hi, Edahn, I found you! Don't know how to work these sites though. I'm kinda new to all this computer work. But I'll fiddle around and see what I can do. Thank God that you aren't gone far! Must find an old question to ask you sometime. Oh, you are handsome as well in your photo! Knew you looked something like you did - women's instinct and all of that. Hope you make many friends here. You deserve them all because you are a great fellow.
Love Zanzivar

Edahn said...

Is there a question there? ;)

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn, I've been dating a girl for about 4 months now, and I'm struggling with whether or not to continue the relationship. We have similar interests, have a great time together, and I really feel like in many ways she has the best matched personality to mine of anyone I've ever dated. The BUT is that I know I'm just not that attracted to her. I've talked about this with some of my friends (mostly girls) who say that I should just keep giving it time and that eventaully I will either be attracted to her or ot wont matter. I'm 30 and she's 31, and I really dont want to waste tme (hers or mine) if this is not something Im going to get over, and I can tell that with time she is getting more invested in the idea of "us" in the long run. Part of me feels like a perfect relationship might not exist, and that the most important thing, especially in the long run, is how well our personalities compliment each other. The other part of me feels like if I only get to hook up with one person for the rest of my life I damned well better be attracted to her. She is very athletic, tall and thin and flat, with strong facial features, and many guys would find her attractive. For me though, I think I just prefer someone who is a bit softer, who I want to be close to and want to kiss and cuddle. She's somehow just to bony to be feminine to me. I know you are probably thinking that since I'm writing this, I must be looking for some validation for breaking up with her over the issue, but I have really been going back and forth and back again over it. How important is pretty, and how much time should I give before throwing in the towel? (also, how honest should I be in my reason for breaking up with her if it does come to that?)

Anonymous said...

Hey Edhan,

Why don't men like to cuddle?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn, I dont know what to do. I cheated on my boyfriend of three years one night many months ago when we were going through a rough patch. We've since gotten very close and very serious, and I feel like mariage might be in our future. I'm haunted daily by my guilt over the situation and feel like i should be honest with him if we are going to be married. I know that if I tell him what i did he will leave me, as trust is a big issue for him. PLease dont tell me that I shouldnt be with a guy who would leave me over that, and that I should be honest, because in truth I would probably leave him if I found out that he had cheated on me. I know this is a double standard. I dont know what to do. I think Im really looking for a way to get rid of my guilt without actually confessing to him... any suggestions?

Mosbius Designs said...

Edahn,
I love what you've done with the blog and I am an avid reader. Anyways, I was wondering if you could maybe attempt to provide me with some insight. I feel as though as I am a negative person. I shit talk alot. And when I say shit talk, I don't go out of my way to cut people down as I mainly make caddy comments about people. And while, I'd love to rid myself of this quality I often feel that my comments are deserved.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I've been married for nearly 9 years now. I got married right out of high school. We now have kids. We've both had affairs and been through plenty of bumps in the road. I no longer find myself attracted to this person I've married. In fact, it's been over 2 years or so since I've had any type of warm fuzzies for him.

I've come close to divorcing him 2 times. Now? I'm just sort of numb. Some time ago I resolved to just stick with it. I figured the grass may always be greener on the other side - but both sides have to be mowed. I'm still waiting to feel good about him again. Will that ever come? I keep thinking that if I stick it out, eventually I'll love him (romantically) again.

We don't fight anymore, we just are. He's a great father, and technically - a good husband now. I just don't know how to make the good feelings come back. Do you think they ever will?

I also can't help but wonder if there IS someone - that one person - out there that would be my perfect match. But again - does it matter? Could he be my perfect match? How do I let him?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I'm in a LDR at the moment, if you can call it a relationship that is, which I mostly don't due to the 'LD'. As much as I like the sound of being in a good relationship I really struggle with the idea of committing myself to a partnership, I tend to see relationships as requiring me to give up part of myself, putting another person's needs into consideration possibly at the expense of my independence.

Particularly with the LD part of my current situation I don't know if I'm deluding myself with the idea of being in a relationship, I've remained single for most of my life because I wanted to be comfortable with who I am on my own without relying on another person, I'm 30 now and in the past 2 or so years part of me has started wanting a romantic connection with someone, out of the blue a fella has come into my life that I feel comfortable showing my true self to in a way that I never have before and yet even with that I still question if I'm someone who simply isn't made for relationships.

What things should I be asking myself in order to understand what is real and what is fantasy in my expectations of a partner and relationship? And how do I get over my fear of losing independence? I feel I'm at a loss here, like I should be happy and yet I can't stop thinking myself out of a potentially great thing.

Anonymous said...

I feel taken advantage by my girlfriend. Wait, not in the good way. I feel as though we are always doing what she wants to do and my needs get swept under the rug. I am somewhat responsible for this as I tend to be a people pleaser and I do want to do what she wants in an effort to make her happy, but I often wonder when my turn is going to come around. i often witness her playing the people pleaser with other relationships, but with me she asserts herself way too much.

Thanks,

Misguided and confused.

Anonymous said...

dear edahn,

I have a problem-- over a year ago I overheard my ex boyfriend give out his email password to his brother because of an emergency. Like a psycho stalker, I logged in to his email account-- mostly just to read what he had written about and chated about me to his friends (both during and after our relationship)... then I got carried away-- I started reading all of his old emails with his ex. I felt like I developed a much deeper understanding of who he really was and where he was coming from. Months passed, and I continued to regularly log in to his account-- just to read, not to write or chat anybody or anything. He started dating someone else, and I started reading their emails to each other-- its like a soap opera that Im addicted to . Im totally over him in a romantic way-- I have a serious boyfriend who i love and am very happy with. I just cant stop myself from logging in to his email-- Im addicted to it the way Ive become addicted to facebook and my own email account. LIke I need the daily update. He and I are still acquaintance/friends, but have hung out a lot less since I no longer need to actually make plans with him to find out what's going on in his life-- i dont even really like him that much. This has become much more of a voyeur thing for me at this point. HELP-- I CANT STOP!!! I know its wrong (right?)

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I've been dating a guy for several years and a couple months ago I started to wonder, "Is this love or is this just comfortable?" So, when another opportunity came along, I thought I might get my answer. Unfortunately, it's just an even bigger mess. The experiment started out with harmless flirting and minor physical interactions until one drunken/high night when I woke up clothes-less to the words, "I love you". FML.

I like being around my long-term SO, but there's definitely a stronger physical attraction to the other. I really have no idea what to do at this point.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edhan,

My boyfriend recently came home from an 18 month tour in Iraq. He says he did not see much violence so I know that is not an issue. He says though, that he does not have PTSD. He is however, very worried about "security" in every situation we encounter from visiting an aquarium to spending a night at home by the fire. He also has "fits" of incessent arguing and proving points all of which never happened before he left. I believe that even though he never saw violence he may have experienced PTSD just from the sheer fact that he was displaced from his home in America and displaced to a foreign country. He is too proud to get counseling, says that that is only for people who saw violence but I think it can be many aspects of war. Any Ideas on how to talk to him? I do not want to push my opinions on him as I am well aware that the army did that enough and I don't want to be equated to that. I just want him to hear that YES he was affected by his deployment, Violence or not. I love him and would like him to be present and engaged in our relationship. Not engaged in the marital sense just to clarify but engaged as in aware. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Hey Edahn,

I'm a big fan of yours as you are very cute and handsome. Anyways, My problem is relationship oriented. I feel as though I'm always made to be the wrong one and when it goes the other way they justify whatever issue I have with them. When I ask them about this they say that they don't act with an intent to be mean so it is justified, but I don't act to be mean either. I'm someone that can admit fault, but I am starting to have an issue with always feeling like I am the one that is wrong or always doing something that is wrong.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I've got kindof a serious one today: I am 27 years old, and I was sexually assaulted by a stranger 7 years ago. I have since spent a lot of time in therapy recovering, and have made substantial progress. I started dating again not too long after the incident, and entered a long term relationship with a man I had known since before the rape, so there was no need to explain to him why I needed to move relatively slowly. We broke up a couple of years ago, and I have tried to date again. So far I have not had a relationship last more than 3 months, and I feel like this might be because I move too slowly sexually, as I'm still somewhat cautious about becoming sexual with a man too quickly. I feel like at some point I need to be honest and tell my new suitors about my past, but I'm not sure how to do this without totally freaking them out. I know your general approach is to coat everything serious in humour, but in this case I think that might seem kindof manic. Do you think most men would be scared away by my past? And what is an appropriate point to bring it up?

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married for several years now and have kids. He has been away on business and we have been sending racy texts to each other. (We miss each other very much!) Anyway, in one of the series of back and forth texting, he started opening up about all these fantasies he wants to carry out with me. Most of the stuff was classic porn things and I played along, excited to do them together. Then he wrote two things that seemed a little weird to me. 1. He wanted me to suck him while I’m on the toilet (which I don’t have a problem with, but I just wanted to know if that’s normal or disrespectful/degrading?) 2. He asked if I would allow us to bring a lesbian into the bedroom. He wants to see me with another woman, not because he wants to see another woman. I kind of got hurt from that, but I didn’t dare show him because I was just so happy that he feels so open with me and I don’t want to ruin this new level of complete openness we have attained. I just am not sure if I should be hurt or not.
Thanks in advance for your response.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
I have been in a relationship now for about a year with a great guy that really cares about me. He shows me that he cares by calling, texting, making regular plans, being my best friend, having great sex and generally "showing up" in all the right ways. However, I find myself getting very emotional with him about all kinds of things. He encourages me to talk about my feelings, so I tell him what I'm feeling a lot of the time. The problem is, I seem to get upset a lot, which is not fun for either of us.
For instance, if he is a bit distant or tired when we are spending time together, I get upset and make a comment about it, which causes him to react a bit defensively, and then I start crying. He says he doesn't mind the crying (see, great guy!), but if I'm not happy that's another problem. I AM happy with him, that's the confusing part. What can I do about my level of extreme sensitivity? Do I keep it to myself, sort of "fake it til I make it?" I don't understand why I get so emotional in romantic relationships but seem to have no problem in my friendships. Help!

Anonymous said...

Why are people so embittered? When things get cloudy and you need them, that's when they'll do their best to make sure that things stay cloudy for you. It's not supposed to be this way. Maybe I've been talking to the wrong people.
Thanks for being here Edahn.

Anonymous said...

I have been confused for years as to how to go about make-up. I hate being misleading and dishonest and that's why I don't usually wear make up. How do guys feel about make up HONESTLY? How should I? I don't like the feeling of 'you see me one way, and in the morning, you'll see me a whole different way...' but if it's something that's really accepted, then I wouldn't mind getting made up. Please shed some light on this topic! Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
I am one of those people who lacks a healthy dosage of confidence. I am most comfortable in my own company. I have put up with way too much in the past from friends though I'm becoming more and more convinced that it has only been as a result of my upbringing. Although I have a sibling, we are the extreme opposite of each other. My sibling radiates confidence and enjoys the spotlight. I, on the other hand, just vanish into the background, as if i was born without a voice, that is even when i speak. Much of this, i believe, has to do with the fact that my sibling has received both praises and parental support throughout his life. I have pretty much had to motivate myself. Though I have grown stronger, at the same time I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost touch with people. Don't get me wrong, I love people and I love being in their company. However, it seems i have to work that much harder to make myself 'heard.' What is your take on this?

Anonymous said...

How/when should one tell their special someone that they have an STD? I just had a guy tell me last night right before we started to have sex and it kind of ruined it for me. Made me think if he could have disclosed it sooner, would I still be with him, or in actuality not return any of his calls.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I dated a guy for a couple of months last year, this time of year. He was the first guy in a long time that I truly felt connected to, like there was a possible future. At first I wasnt even attracted to him physically. He definitely liked me more than I liked him, but after dating for about six weeks we went on vacation together and I let myself fall into it at that point, and I fell hard. A few weeks later I could sense that things were off-- he was becoming less available and I know from my all too extensive dating experience that he was trying to fizzle out of the relationship. I called him on it, and he told me that he was not in a good place for a relationship (he had come out of an engagement only weeks before we started seeing each other, and he was extremely busy with school-- both things were true, and this wasnt your standard "I'm too busy for a relationship" excuse) He told me that he needed time free of responsibility to anyone but himself, so that he could make decisions without having to take anyone else into account, and that he needed time to refocus after his past relationship, that we should stay friends, and that in a couple of years, when he had his shit more together, we could try again. I would normally toss this away as an attempt to let me down lightly, but we actually did stay in touch for a few months afterward, hung out a few times without hooking up, and gchatted as well as phone calls. This too started to fizzle with time, and I eventually gave up any hope of us rekindling our flame. Ive tried to move on; Ive dated many guys in this last year. I just dont feel connected to any of them the way I did to him from the get go. As this time of year comes around I really really miss him. I recently heard that he's been sortof back on the dating scene, but we havent spoken in at least 6 months. Hearing about him possibly dating someone else still really affects me, and the thought of him with someone tears me apart. I didnt realize that I missed him this much until I heard that-- how do I get over this guy? how do I learn to not compare the feelings I have for potential new guys to the feelings I had for him? is there really such a thing as "not being ready" to be in a relationship, or is this just an easy way of saying "I'm not ready to be in a relationship with YOU"?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
I am attracted to my boss, and I am pretty sure he likes me too. I have never told him anything, but to make a long story short, he knows I like him. We have been playing cat and mouse games for a long time now, and I really don't want to do it anymore. I am at a point where I'm ready to let things out in the open because these games are starting to play with my emotions, and the things is that I don't even know if there's something there with me and him, if we got together. So, I just want to stop playing games and get things clear, and either forget about him and move on, or ask him out and see where it leads.
The thing is, he's my boss. And I haven't started anything with him because of this. It would just be awkward if we had to work together and at the same time be together romantically.
What do you think about this whole thing? Should I get another job and then ask him out ( or lead him to ask me out) or just forget about it all?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

My problem is a bit embarrassing: when I have an orgasm, things get really wet, like soak the sheets wet. I never know whether to warn the guy before, or to just ignore it when it happens. If I warn the guy,I feel pressure to actually have an orgasm, and then I sometimes dont end up having an orgasm, so I usually dont warn the guy. I usually just let it happen and then pretend not to notice it if he doesnt bring it up, or just giggle or something if he does bring it up. So, two questions: is my little problem really unhot? and how should I deal with it in bedroom situations?

Anonymous said...

hey edahn,

in your opinion, do men care how many guys a girl has slept with?

Anonymous said...

Hey Edahn,

Sometimes during sex I imagine I'm with a different girl, and not my gf. It helps me get 'unstuck' if I can't get off. Do you think this is normal among men and whether or not this will damage my relationship?

Dude in Distress

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I've been dating this girl for about eight months now. We communicate well and know when to argue and when to just let it go. Recently she put on weight and I'm starting to find her less sexy (I'm not a fitness nut but like being healthy) How do I approach this subject without hurting her?

lisa said...

uck-- I have a sesame seed stuck in my keyboard and it's right under a letter i like to use a lot... have any advice? otherwise im going to have to continue to be creative with my vocabulary ;)

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

Here's my deal. In my teens through my early twenties, I was in an unhealthy relationship for about seven years. It ended badly. Looking back, I truly dislike the person I was during that time in my life. I really sucked and wish I could have that time in my life back. I regret almost everything about it.

Since I've been mostly single for the past five years, I've had a couple of girlfriends, but I find myself worrying about turning back into that person that I was and ultimately freaking out about being in a relationship as a result. I just don't feel like myself when I am in a relationship. Naturally, this ends with me breaking up with whoever I'm dating. The more time goes on, the more upsetting the thought of being in a relationship becomes to me. I know there are awesome people around me who I should probably be dating, but every time the thought of having a girlfriend comes up, I nearly have a panic attack. I keep telling myself that, at some point, someone will come along and I'll stop caring about the obligations and drawbacks of a relationship, but, realistically, I'm not sure. Basically, I'm jaded and am concerned about my ability to be happy within a relationship. Is there something I can do to help me understand that I can be in a healthy relationship, preserve who I am and be happy all at the same time? Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn
How do people learn to love? Is it innate? Or does it have to be nurtured in infancy? And if it wasn't, are you basically fucked?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
Tell me your thoughts on this. I have a mother who for the most part of my life has been 'supportive'. Only, as I grew older i started to realize that something wasn't quite right. I am currently in a graduate program. For many years now when i touched upon the subject of building a life for myself, a carreer and eventually becoming independent and moving out on my own (yes, I still live at home), the first sentiments she would express amounted to her being proud. Only by the end of such a conversation, she always ended up by painting a clear picture of how hard life is, and that I will never make it on my own, that i would never make enough to pay the bills or live on my own, etc.etc. Here i feel i must make a note and say that i am in a j.d. program and that my future plans always consisted in renting a not at all expensive apartment, nothing luxurious. But she never failed to remind me how hard it would be to find a job, and that the debt would kill me. For many years I felt afraid of life, not to mention even of people. Ever since i have distanced myself from her, though I still live at home, keeping conversation to a minimum, and all this for some time now, I feel i have grown enormously, as if i've come out of some dark, sinister world. I trust in myself and I know that is a good thing. Please share your thoughts with me.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
Is it possible for the mind to create a whole world of its own, apart from but as a reaction to the real outside one? by this, i'm referring to how the mind is reacting to the external world yet at the same time internalizing and creating a quite different world. I understand this is perhaps too broad but i'm looking for a general answer. Thanks

Anonymous said...

I have been dating a guy for the last couple of months. We see each other 2-3 times per week, but things aren't defined as exclusive or that serious yet. Last week a friend of mine told me that she has seen him logging into a dating website (not how we met, and I didn't even know he had a profile, but she says he has had one for at least 6 months). Apparently he logs in at least every week, but not every day. I don't know what to do. Should I call him on it? I like him but am not really ready for the "are we exclusive" talk. Should I assume he's not that into me and just preemptively stop dating him so that I don't have to go through the process of having him dump me? Should I ignore it and just hope he stops logging in? Should I assume that him logging in means that he is dating other people or that he's at least interested in dating other people?

Anonymous said...

What do you think about someone who cheats? Do you believe the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is true?

Anonymous said...

I’m having a problem with time. I feel that I am always rushing when there is really nothing urgent. I consistently impose arbitrary deadlines that have no actual consequences. Do you consider this just a practical problem with time or, as I suspect yet can’t quite grasp, some deeper psychological issue in the way I relate to the world?

Anonymous said...

when i'm dancing with a girl and things start getting freaky I sometimes get hard. Is this something I should try to prevent from happening or do girls expect it (and maybe even like it)?

Anonymous said...

dear edahn, I have a questions that I can't ask my guy friends about. I'm considering permanent laser pubic hair removal because I'm tired of shaving and the hassle and itching and bumpiness that come with it. My problem is that I don't know what guys like anymore. Every guy Ive been with seems to prefer something different. I'm in-between boyfriends right now. Is it a bad idea to take it all off, just in case the full bush 80s look comes back? Should I leave just a landing strip at the top? Should I just do the bikini line? I don't really have a huge preference as long as to whether there is even anything left at all, so what are men into these days?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
I know this girl whom every time i meet, though not often, kind of leaves a bad taste subsequently. She recently entered a relationship but when she's not around her boyfriend, she feels a need to degrade her other girl'friend' so much so that one gets the impression that she considers her other 'friend' worthless and in her own words a 'punching bag'. From what i can tell, maybe this is related to the fact that prior to meeting her recent boyfriend, she was very unhappy (though she had the same attitude towards her other friend) and she directed all her frustrations towards her. All i know for certain is that she has a lot of growing up to do and needs to learn to cope with her own inadequacies.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

Lately I have noticed that when I start drinking, I do stupid things. Obviously, about 99% of the population is in the same boat as me and perhaps this is one of the reasons people get drunk in the first place. When I get a little tipsy I may talk louder and repeat the same inane comments over and over again (I had so much fun, I had so much fun, I had so much fun ad infinitum). I may make suggestive statements I don't mean or be affectionate with people I don't truly care to be affectionate with. I begin cursing more and more profusely. Luckily I don't drunk dial/text people (guys) I shouldn't, although I may shoot a friend, oh 12 texts in a row ("I'm soooooo drunk, I'm soooo drunk, I'm soooo drunk"). In the morning I feel stupid and I don't like that. I also fear I may alienate friends who don't really wanna go out with the annoying drunk girl. Now I know you had a similar posting to this in the past but my question to you is the following: how can I drink yet prevent myself from doing stupid things while drunk? Can I have my cake and eat it too? Help.

Anonymous said...

When are you truly satisfied with what you have? What happens once you reach the end of the tunnel and you realize it's not what you wanted the whole time? How can you differentiate between what is ideal and what will truly make you happy? I want to try all possibilities but time is a constraint and sometimes you can only choose one path. Sometimes I feel like I should take risks, but when I do, I cant handle being out of order. Its nice having a change once in awhile but I feel vulnerable and frazzled. My whole life has been set with guidelines but now I'm tempted to break through. I'm afraid that what I presently have is as good as it gets, and that changing things could be worse. I can't keep floating too...I want to let things "just flow" but i feel uneasy.

Anonymous said...

How do you do tell someone to fuck off without being a bitch? I was afraid that i'd scare my buddy off after i turned him down when he confessed he liked me, but now he has this delusion that he could convince me to change my mind if he persists. I'm just getting REALLY annoyed...I think its best if I stop all contact with him...should I just continue to ignore his text messages? Wow i feel like a bitch...

Anonymous said...

I am a female in my mid 20s and find it very difficult to orgasm. I've never has an orgasm from traditional sexual intercourse. Is this possible? I find this to be a problem in relationships once the guy finds out that I don't really actually reach an orgasm ever, because he always becomes determined and then disappointed. It adds pressure, too. They ask 'how'? And I don't even know the answer. Based on discussion with girlfriends of mine, I've gathered an understanding that it's definitely not common for a woman to orgasm during sexual intercourse.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn, I did something fucked up and now I'm all fucked up about it. I found out that my boyfriend is lying to me because I suspected he was, so I went through his blackberry while he was in the bathroom. He isn't cheating on me, but he has returned to an addiction that he told me he has quit (I don't want to give too many more details online, because its weird enough that if he ever sees this he'll know it was me writing). I probed him a bit and tried to give him an opportunity to come clean with me, but he just kept on lying to my face, which only made me angrier. My response is to shut down and get passive aggressive (which I hate doing) but I don't know how to tell him why I'm upset without admitting that I violated his privacy. Everytime he lies to me I also trust him less, even though I know that he is lying out of shame over his actions, and desire to protect both him and me from the truth. I want to tell him what I did, and that I know. I want to be able to discuss his addiction. I want him to be honest with me. I know that if I tell him that I looked through his phone, he will probably be ashamed, and angry, will get very defensive and will not trust me either, which will likely only lead to him being further addicted and going further out of his way to hide it from me. What should I do? I don't want to drive him away, and I also don't want to be angry at him anymore.

Anonymous said...

I'm having a hard time dealing with guilt. I used to lie all of the time to everyone about everything as long as it was beneficial to me. This life got started wearing me down as I was constantly overwhelmed by guilt and found that I was losing my sense of who I really was. I decided not to lie anymore about a year ago. This has forced me to live a life where I act in accordance with my conscience, as I usually don't do things that I will want to lie about later. My problem is that every so often, I find myself lying to someone to save them from pain or sadness-- is this acting in harmony with my conscience? I can't tell whether there are situations in which it is okay to lie. Are there shades of grey when it comes to lying or is it a black and white issue? is it possible to lead a life without having to lie ever?

Anonymous said...

Over the last few months I've started developing feelings for one of my close girlfriends. I have known her for a long time, but we've never dated (we sometimes used to hook up after a night of drinking, but haven't done that in years). I know that we have good chemistry but when we were younger neither of us really wanted to commit to dating each other because we weren't ready for a serious relationship. I consider her one of my closest friends, one of the people who knows me best in this world, and one of the few people that knows how to comfort me when I am restless. As I have gotten older, I now have a much better appreciation for what I really want in a life partner and I feel like she might be it. I am ready for a serious relationship, ready to find my lifelong partner, and I've started to love her in a whole new way, as I think about what a life with her might be like. As I've developed these feelings it has been hard for me to hear about her dating other guys, conversations that never used to bother me. I find myself getting jealous and sad when I hear that she is into somebody else and am admittedly relieved when it doesn't work out. I am afraid that I am going to lose her. I want to know if she would be open to trying to date, but I'm afraid that if I make a move or if I tell her, it will ruin our relationship. I know that we will still be friends if she doesn't want to date me, but I also know our friendship will change once she hears that I have started developing deeper feelings for her. I know that she will be more guarded and less free in our friendship. I want to try a relationship with her, but I know that life doesn't always work like the last scene in When Harry met Sally. I am also afraid that if we try dating and it doesn't work out, that we won't be able to be friends afterward. It feels so risky to try to explore these feelings I've been having, and I'm even worried that I'm only having them because it is holiday season, I have entered my 30s, and I am going through a period of life-crisis anyway. I have two questions: Firstly, how can I explore my own emotions to tell if my feelings for her are genuine or just an idealized projection or hope? And secondly, should I gamble with and risk losing or changing our friendship and tell her how I feel, or should I play it safe, put my feelings away and guarantee that our friendship remains intact?

Anonymous said...

Hi Edahn, I have a friend who I really don't feel that close to anymore. She is in a relationship, and I am single, and I feel like we don't hang out or have conversations like we used to. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I don't like her boyfriend because he's really annoying, and I don't think she really likes him either, but she is in the relationship because she is afraid to be alone. I've lost a lot of respect for her since she has entered the relationship, and don't think our friendship will ever recover. Is there such a thing as a friend break up? I don't really want to hang out with this girl anymore, but I don't want to have to have a whole conversation about how much I dislike her boyfriend. I don't want to make it an "it's him or me" conversation, I just want to stop being friends with her. Can I do this without making a big thing about it? I've stopped returning guys' calls before, but it seems like a weird thing to do with a friend.

Anonymous said...

It feels like the only time I am really able to let myself go in a relationship is when I know that it has an expiration date. This being the case, I have spent the last ten years in a string of in-the-meantime relationships. I am worried that I'll never be able to let myself fall for someone fully unless there is a major dealbreaker, and that I'll forever end up dating a series of Mr. Right Now instead of finding my Mr. Right. Got any advice?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I've been in a relationship for several months now, and it's absolutely great. We both support each other and I feel fulfilled and at peace when I'm around him.

My problem is that I worry about the way he handles major issues. We both have similarly traumatic backgrounds (physical and sexual abuse). I did the therapy route and, along with the support of family and friends, I've been able to accept the things that have happened to me and move on with my life. To an extent, he has moved on as well, but it's obvious to me that he is still in a great deal of pain from his past. He has gotten into drugs because he feels that getting high is the only way he can be happy. The drug use itself doesn't bother me; he is very responsible about his drug habits (as much as that sounds oxymoronic), and regulates his usage so that he never gets out of control. What bothers me is that he feels dependent on the drugs in order to be happy with his life.

Since we've started dating, I have noticed that he's been using less. I have been and will continue to be supportive. I know that everyone deals with traumatic events in different ways, but I don't want him to have to be dependent on anything for his own personal happiness. Other than continuing to be a loving girlfriend, what can I do to help him? I don't really want to confront him about this, as I think he would be very uncomfortable discussing the topic. Although he has been opening up a little more lately, he doesn't share much about personal things like this. I'm not even sure if he's aware that I know this much about him, as this conversation took place after a night of drinking and I'm not sure how much he remembers.

Above all, I want him to be happy, but I'm not sure how to help him.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

Fresh out of a spoiled relationship, I've been starting to get asked out on dates by a few men. I've noticed my initial response to this all has been one of discomfort -- I'm afraid to commit to a date with any of these guys because I'm afraid of the expectations he may have about my agreeing to do so (like sex, hooking up, a follow up date, or simply that by showing up it means "I am more than platonically interested"). I realize this is a little ass backwards but clearly it is getting in the way.

I know I'm ready to date, it's been a few months since my last relationship ended. But for some reason (and this mentality plagued me on a smaller scale when I dated prior), I can't help but feel overwhelmed with pressure and/or uncomfortable.

How can I get over my mental block and start dating?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

Lately, I have come to the realization that most guys simply don't call girls anymore! Rather, they would much prefer to send text messages than attempting some sort of human connection. Can you please explain this to me? Why aren't many men putting in the extra effort and calling? Does whether a guy calls or text mean something about how much he likes a girl? Is it true that a guy who likes a girl more tends to call? Is it true that a guy who is less "serious" texts more? At what point should the guy text a little less and call a little more? Is there a way for a woman to signal to a guy that she would much rather he call than text without sounding too "needy" or "psycho"?

Anonymous said...

hi Edahn, I recently because aware of the huge difference wearing spanx can have on my appearance and confidance, especially in clingy clothing. The problem is that I never know how to go from dressed to undressed with a guy when I am wearing undergarments that will likely remind him of his grandma. Any tips?

Anonymous said...

Hey Edahn, how does it feel to be a stupid faggot who eats his boogers?

Anonymous said...

Edahn,

A few weeks ago i signed up for Jdate, not because I have a hard time meeting girls, but because i have a hard time meeting JEWISH girls. Since I started "using" (it sometimes feels like a drug) all of Jdate's resources I noticed my social life has gone to shit. I have forgotten how to interact with people in real life...I'm not AS responsive as I used to be and that makes me feel awkward at times. There's no pause/delay time in real life that gives a person the opportunity to say that perfect response.

Do you have any thoughts on how a person can use the skills they've picked up by talking to girls over the internet and somehow translate it into normal person to person conversation.

Anonymous said...

Since I've been working out more I've noticed that I have really bulgy veins. I work out to look better, but I feel like veins are not so cute. So I ask you Edahn, bulging veins on an otherwise sexy woman: hot or not?

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I'm a 27 year old woman that has been seeing a 44 year old man for 4 months. We have a great time together. He calls or texts me almost everyday and seems to care about me and my feelings. If I'm unhappy with something he tries to change it to make things better. I don't think he's seeing anyone else and I've told him I wasn't either. He treats me like a girlfriend and respects me. He actually treats me better than any "boyfriend" I've ever had. The only problem for me is that he doesn't want us to be in official relationship. The only thing I'm unhappy about is his reluctance to call me his girlfriend. He was in a 9 year relationship with a woman who was addicted to drugs and basically dragged him through the mud. Their relationship ended in Dec. '09. Could this be the reason he doesnt want me as his girlfriend? What does it mean when a man treats you like a girlfriend but doesn't want it to be official? I'm so confused and I need some advice...

Anonymous said...

Hi Edahn,
I have 2 friends in a long distance relationship. One is in the military and is currently living out of his car to pay his girlfriends rent. We were all visiting eachother recently and they were fighting over money. She can be very persuasive and controlling and I'm worried about him getting taken advantage of. How can I talk to them without making them feel like he is being subservient and she is being selfish? I don't want to lose either one of them as friends.
Thank You!

Anonymous said...

Hey,

Here's my question. I've had trouble letting things go of the past. I've kind of been fucked over by people in my family. I want to move on from it, but I know its really affecting(Is it effect?. I just don't know how to move on effectively.

Anonymous said...

Edahn,

Can you ever be friends with an ex? Should you?

Anonymous said...

Edahn,

What does it mean when a man can't say "I love you". All the right factors are there, his actions say I love you. It has been 9 months and still nothing. I have a feeling this is an intimacy problem that goes far beyond the bounds of our relationship. I'm trying to be patient yet I feel like something is missing and it bothers me.

Sometimes I feel insecure about it and wonder, why doesn't he love me? Espeicially after he has told me that he has had the capacity and has loved someone else. He's expressed that he doesn't feel in love yet. How long should I wait feeling unfufilled? I always thought, you know or you don't...

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I have a friend who still obsesses about her ex. He broke up with her 7 months ago and she has yet to accept one date because she compares every candidate to her ex-boy.

She posts facebook statuses intended to make him jealous (which we all know he doesn't care about), she gets drunk and stars crying and texts him and he isn't very responsive, and best of all she hangs out with his friends and then posts pictures online.

He was the first real boyfriend she ever had so I can sort of tolerate her behaving like an irrational 16-year-old, but what worries me more is that they had a sort of movie-relationship that I don't think exists in real life and I think that experience had deluded her into expecting every future relationship into being the kind where you go ice skating together, the guy buys you dinner every night and new clothes all the time, you basically move into his house, take over his friends, and the rest of the time you bake muffins together.

As far as every man I know (even the sweet, sensitive ones... even to me, in fact) this seems like a nightmare.

As a result, I'm worried that she drives every guy away because he doesn't compare to her ex, but importantly, if she ever does give someone a chance (which seems totally unlikely at this point), she'll be disappointed that he isn't Martha Stewart/her gay bestfriend/boyfriend.

What do I do to make her open back up?

The Hot Shiksa said...

Dearly beloved Edahn, ;D

Is my friend suicidal? It seems pretty obvious. He drinks till he throws up to bury his problems and still deeply grieves his mother's death from alcoholism. It's been 9 years. I couldn't take his Eeyore status updates anymore so I blocked them. Then he got into a horrible accident and he seemed to be positive again. But he's back to always whining about how no one loves him and no one ever will. This Facebook note was written after he got out of the hospital for surgery. I'm not sure what exactly happened but it had to do with his injuries from the car accident earlier this year.


"Home yet again Yesterday at 10:14pm
Back home again. Another near death. Yet, nothing changes. 8 days to wonder about everything. Is it really worth going on? Is there really something out there waiting for me? Part of me believes that. There a larger part of me that doesn't. It seems like every time I hear someone tell me that, I feel like shooting myself. It's been nearly 5 years now in which I've been hearing that over and over again. I'm losing patience. I just can't see the light to this at all. This was all I could think about during my 2nd hospital stay. I tried to see what I had. What could get me through this. There really isn't anything. Even with what it already mine. Family can only lift me so far. They're so far away. I'm so stuck here in this place. Maybe this wasn't the place I wanted to escape to. Was it really my home where I wanted to be? Or does it go beyond that? I don't know. I have so many questions. So many why's and why not's. The biggest two would be "Why me?" or "Why not me". I feel like I just want to throw in the towel. I'm sick and tired of waiting for something that might not even come. I'm pushing myself really hard to do anything. I don't know whether it's outta fear of something or that I really just don't have it in me anymore. Feel's like all I know is pain and disappointment. Two of my best friends. The only other things I can count on. We all know what the other is."

What should I do? I'm half concerned about his life and half sick of his shit. That sounds insensitive but I've offered to go with him, to hold his hand, to get treatment, and have given his positive advice and compliments about what he is good at and what he can achieve. I think he's trying to get attention from girls because the minute he finds one and puts all his eggs in one basket(scaring them away), the sun starts to shine as squirrels are frolicking, and there's nothing wrong in this world.

I think the combination of rejection and being in the hospital has given him suicidal thoughts. I have an acquaintance who shot himself and I had no idea he was depressed. This has made me wonder if this guy is crying wolf or if he should be admitted to a mental health facility.

Shiksa said...

Dearly beloved Edahn, ;D

I have a friend who drinks to bury his psychological torment over his life and the death of him alcoholic mom years ago. He complains about how no one loves him and no one ever will. The moment he finds a girl, he puts all his eggs in one basket, scares her away, and feels rejected. I think they can't take his constant negativity. He wrote this note after getting out of the hospital for surgery. Earlier this year he was in an alcohol-related accident and was in the ICU for days. It seems like he's suicidal. But sometimes I don't know if he's just crying wolf. When he finds someone it's as if the Red Sea has parted, the sun is now shining and the squirrels and butterflies are frolicking.

His Facebook note written yesterday at 10pm:

"Back home again. Another near death. Yet, nothing changes. 8 days to wonder about everything. Is it really worth going on? Is there really something out there waiting for me? Part of me believes that. There a larger part of me that doesn't. It seems like every time I hear someone tell me that, I feel like shooting myself. It's been nearly 5 years now in which I've been hearing that over and over again. I'm losing patience. I just can't see the light to this at all. This was all I could think about during my 2nd hospital stay. I tried to see what I had. What could get me through this. There really isn't anything. Even with what it already mine. Family can only lift me so far. They're so far away. I'm so stuck here in this place. Maybe this wasn't the place I wanted to escape to. Was it really my home where I wanted to be? Or does it go beyond that? I don't know. I have so many questions. So many why's and why not's. The biggest two would be "Why me?" or "Why not me". I feel like I just want to throw in the towel. I'm sick and tired of waiting for something that might not even come. I'm pushing myself really hard to do anything. I don't know whether it's outta fear of something or that I really just don't have it in me anymore. Feel's like all I know is pain and disappointment. Two of my best friends. The only other things I can count on. We all know what the other is."

What should I do?

Shiksa said...

Feel free to edit my typos.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
My last serious relationship was 3 years ago which ended with heartbreak and disappointment. Since then, I have had several boyfriends and monogamous, relationship-like ordeals. They were all with men who loved me and wanted to continue, but I just didn't feel it after a while. I am not hung up on my ex, its just that after that breakup, I have not been able to completely give myself over to someone, to fall in love. I noticed I tend to date more comforting, sensitive and less marriage-worthy men. I used to really be into this relationship thing, but now, its like I have forgotten how to do it right. My question is, how do I get back into real love and relationship land which will ultimately lead to a fulfilling marriage? Or am I sabotaging myself on purpose, one which I do not yet know?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
Seriously though, how come guys don't like cats?

Its like they tolerate them to hang out in your house, but generally can't stand 'em.

Maybe its just been my luck.

Thanks for pondering this over.

Anonymous said...

Hey edahn

I think i have a serious problem. Earlier i was ok with my boyfriend i used to be happy with the attention i got probably a little insecure and felt that he did not need me as much as i needed him.But recently i have changed i seem to be touchy about everything. I am scared to keep the phone thinking that he would not want me later. Scared that he will sleep off and not think of me. I get edgy when he does not give me attention for 2 mins. I want him to be passionate and charming all the time. And after having sex i want him to be dreamy. I think i am suffocating him and not giving him any space. I am not sure what issues i have that i dont believe he misses me wants me. I am not sure why i dont want to let him go. I am scared he will not want me. All this is happening recently. I was never the one who does not give space to her partner. Please let me know how i can overcome this. Because of my issues we fight even though he is sweet. I am super touchy. I stopped being cute and sexy with him. Do let me know.

Anonymous said...

Hi Edahn,

Here's my situation:

I am in a loving and faithful relationship that is genuine, and I am completely happy.
Recently, I've had to make some serious career decisions like to go back to school with the goal of eventually leading a comfortable life and not have to struggle for money.
The man I'm dating is struggling financially as well. While he is loving and giving, if I want to live the lifestyle I do, I will have to be the primary bread winner. I'm fine with that and so is he.
Here is where the predicament comes in:
Going back to school is a huge undertaking. I have no support from family and his income is unreliable. However, there is an old man I know who is extremely wealthy and wants to finance my education, give me a place to live and pay for all my expenses in school. He claims it's because he is my friend, he wants to help me and there are no strings attached. He also wants to "get together" with me a couple of times a month. He has an open marriage such that he and his wife are leading completely separate lives. He claims he would help me even if we didn't fool around, and insists that if we were, it's not cheating because of the agreement he has with his wife and the fact that I'm not married. He tells me it's also not cheating because he can't get an erection. Still, the fact is he wants a sexual relationship. I've told him I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend, but I that I really need the financial help. He's already bought me a car.
Even though he claims that there are no strings attached and he wants to help me out of the goodness of his heart, my better sense tells me that nobody does anything for free and my unwillingness to cheat will severely impact the help I receive.
I just have a sinking feeling in my stomach lately because the impoverished girl in me is saying "do it!" but I would be devastated if I hurt my boyfriend or lost him. He would never go for it if he knew. Old man and I get together for dinner once and a while (my boyfriend knows but sees the relationship as father and daughter than old horny man and hot young chick). What he doesn't know is that he keeps putting my hand on his crotch and initiating a hookup. I resist, but he keeps trying.
I don't know what to do at this point. I want a secure future, but scared that it will come with a devastating price if I continue being friends with Old man. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,
I'm having an affair with a married man. We only have sex we don't really hang out. I want him to leave his wife for me though. How do I make that happen? Will it happen?
The situation is I work with this man a few days a week and see him often enough.
He has been married for 2 years.
A month after he got married we started sleeping together.
He has told me a few times if he wasn't married he would be with me.
He has also said he loves me.
I feel some guilt and remorse because I would not want this done to me, as a woman, but I can't control my emotions or actions when it comes to him. I don't know what to do and I feel something one way or another has to be done. I like the attention but I am not fully getting what I want, obviously, because he is married. What do I do? What do I say? Knowing my ultimate goal would be to have him leave his wife for me. Am I stupid?
Thanks.

Anonymous said...

dear Edahn,
i would like to have your take on this. is it better for two people in a relationship to see each other exclusively until they live out their love for one another, or is it more healthy to have an open relationship, since nowadays most people are non-monogamous?

Anonymous said...

dear edahn,
there's this woman i see all the time. the thing is i'm a shy guy when it comes to approaching women, though i'd like to talk to her so very much. the other thing is, i'm not sure that i'm looking for a relationship with her but she has this intelligent, gentle look on her face, my 'instinct' just tells me i must get to know her, even if we just end up good friends. of course, i'm also afraid i'm gonna annoy teh living lights out of her, but frankly i don't really give two pennies about that. what would you do in my place? do you approach a woman you like or you just wait for them to come to you, like me?

Anonymous said...

do you believe it's ok to talk about things that people close to you have done and things that you believe they have done and which explain alot of other things, even though they never fess up to them? to bottle them all in will result in one's own system of support to collapse, or won't it? the things i'm talking about are deep, heavy, adn complicated.

Anonymous said...

i have questions about life in general. can you tell me what are the different types of personal life people lead nowadays? are all normal such as a relationship between two people, or group sex, or open relationships/marriages, swinging. Are they pretty common as long as they don't involve illegal activities? are all types as common?

Anonymous said...

dear Edahn,
my sibling and i have never been close, meaning we haven't and don't ever talk about personal stuff or relationships. he has a very defensive attitude. although we are the same flesh and blood, i feel as though we come from two different families. but there's much more, it goes back to childhood. My sibling is now married with children of his own. Even though we have our huge differences and maintain a superficial relationship, i'm really wondering whether i should open up that can of worms. something should be done because i think it's affecting his whole life and everyone around him. i just don't know whether i should get involved. i am hesitant about it. and if i should, how would i go about opening up that topic without being called names.

Anonymous said...

dear edahn,
you give very good, moral advice. i can't help wondering do you practice your own words, or do you try to live by your words?

Anonymous said...

dear Edahn,
how do you know when you really like someone?
are you just attracted to her or do you even have some feeling for her before you even get to know her? how do you show her you like her?
also, what is love to you? and how do you feel when you really start to love someone?
and how do you show her?

Anonymous said...

dear Edahn,
how do you define soulmate?

Anonymous said...

Edahn,

I ended up with a girl who, after a couple months of what seemed like some nice, quality dating, stopped returning correspondence for a solid three weeks. She then wrote me a confusing email claiming her phone had been off because she had a "girls weekend" and has been really busy and would call me soon. I waited for her to make the next move and never heard from her again.

It's been a month now. I've since moved on dating-wise, but really want to write her back now and burn her for being an asshole. What's your take on spiteful emails to former lovers? When, if ever, are they worth the catharsis? I know it's not classy, but I have a giant middle finger burning a hole in my pocket.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and while I have a fantastic time when we do have sex, the problem is that I want it way more than he does. I'm a once-or-twice-a-day kind of girl, and he is usually good with 3-4 times a week. He has been this way from the beginning. He says he has always had a moderate sex drive - but it is way less than I am used to. Most guys I've dated previously want it all the time. I just assumed since he is younger (he is 25 and I am 30) that he would want it all the time, too. I can't help but feel a bit hurt sometimes when he turns down my advances, like maybe I don't turn him on. He says he is just not wanting sex at the time, and he tells me all the time that he thinks I am beautiful and sexy...but ouch! It is a blow to the ego when I get turned down! I feel like I'm the guy and he's the girl! LOL - how do we come to a fair agreement on this?

Anonymous said...

dear Edahn,
the earth shook. will it be forever doomed? will there continue to be darkness without day?will it ever rain? will there be light? will it be safe?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

My boyfriend is an incredible person who possesses so many of the traits I'm looking for in someone. But, recently, he has been extremely negative about his job. He says that the last two years have set him back five and that there is no possible way he can earn what he deserves and be happy at the same time. He has an unhealthy bout of "grass is greener" syndrome, thinking that he would be totally happy if he were rich, or if he had the right political connections within his company. On top of this, he has demonstrated some worrisome behavior, including that he gets extremely angry and upset--often for things that are long past--and often at people who aren't responsible for his troubles. It is not uncommon for him to direct this anger at me--picking a fight over something inconsequential (sometimes for just repeating something he said minutes earlier). When he is in this state, there is no reasoning with him. I try to talk to him about possible solutions, and he shuts me down every time, almost as if he is intent on being miserable. This makes me feel powerless as I want him to at least consider my suggestions, even if he ultimately turns them down (although I think I realize that he is too depressed right now for any of my hopeful messages to resonate). My creeping fear is that he will approach all problems in this defeatist manner--which I don't think is productive. I'm also worried that, on this current track, he will never be at peace with himself, which will affect my happiness too. While I know some of his behaviors are unhealthy, I realize that I am not perfect, and that we all bring our "issues" into a relationship. I'm just having a hard time putting this particular problem into perspective and determining how big of a hurdle it is going to be. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I have been in a depressed funk for over five months now since losing my job. Actually, I have lost the last three jobs in a row as a result of being overworked, underpaid, burned out, and laid off (read: economy). I am a young, educated, smart, energetic, positive, attractive woman with a great personality, and there should be no reason for me to feel this despair. I have the same, if not more potential than most. In fact, most people don't even know what I'm going through because I don’t show it to anyone. I think I am just scared to apply myself to a job and get taken advantage of like I have before, and then get laid off like a worthless piece of garbage. The fact is, I now have $300 to my name, and my unemployment benefits have just ended, but I see no way of digging myself out of this hole anytime soon. I lack the motivation to get out there and make things happen, and it really scares me. I just don't want to do anything. However, given that funds are running out, I am starting to freak the fuck out. Any advice on how to pull myself out of this funk and get my life on the right track?

Anonymous said...

What are glutamate and GABAa's role in alcoholism?

Anonymous said...

What is gluatamate and GABAa's role in alcoholism?

Anonymous said...

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Anonymous said...

how do you know you love someone?

Anonymous said...

How many times a day do you jack off?

Lonely in Los Angeles said...

what kind of porn do you like?

Anonymous said...

Hi Edahn,

I'm normally a fairly confident woman but recent events have changed that. My husband and I are friends with a really awesome and attractive couple. I have noticed for a while that my husband has a slight crush on the female friend but it never bothered me until now.

I brought it up to him over the weekend and he admitted he thinks she's beautiful and nice but that he would never cheat on me. I actually do believe him and even though I know its normal for people to find others attractive, it just really hurt me.

My question is should we keep hanging out with them? I don't want to alienate him from them at all because I care for them both and love their company. I'm just afraid I'm going to feel incredibly insecure around her and my husband now and it might bring up these feelings again.

Thanks for your time...

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn
What is "a good death"?

Sam said...

I think I have a problem. I've been isolating myself a lot from people or "the outside world." I'm an extrovert, but have always practiced this hibernation to a certain extent (not on purpose). I do it way more now. It zaps hours and hours from my day. Hours that I can spend bringing in more of an income, connecting with people, bettering myself, etc. I feel it's damaging me, but people in general really get on my nerves. Like I'll be in public and just get really annoyed with noises and people and everyone that looks like they are at ease with everything. It's times like those where I just want to go home and hide under my shell. I guess you can call it bouts of misanthropy and just trying to protect myself. I also just really hate where I am in life right now. Any advice for me?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn.. are you bored? sometimes I feel like I'm pushing off life and responsibilities. I work small temp jobs here and there, but nothing substantial. I think I'm afraid of failure sometimes. I used to see a therapist who said I was putting stumbling blocks in front of myself. Anyway. wanted to get your opinion and see if u had any advice for me!

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

How do you deal with someone who is sending you mixed messages while in a relationship ? Back story: you've dated for a couple years, were each other's first love and all that nonsense, only to break up in a horrific affair that resulted in not speaking for a year and a half. After this break from one another, a relationship has once again blossomed. My boyfriend was with an emotionally-abusive girl during this break which led to him fearing commitment. In four months, the L-word has never been mentioned nor has the future been discussed other than wistful dreams. However, he has left for the military and has asked me to wait for him (four years), even though he was clear to say (with much emotion) that he hadn’t expect to get this emotionally “invested”. Our future is rather shaky in that I fear being too controlling or demanding to ask what he wants from this relationship, and he fears becoming emotionally ‘invested’ further.
In a recent phone call however that was limited to fifteen minutes or so, he broached the topic of marriage in relation to military benefits. When I questioned why he thought this was prudent to say, he said he was “just making conversation”. Before he left, while intoxicated, would speak of vacations to take together. Also before he left he asked me questions like, “Do you think we could live together?” and began to integrate me into his family. Am I being over analytical in thinking this mixed-behavior is meaning something? When is a good time to talk “future”, and do I bring it up?

Jane said...

Hi Edahn,

Lately I've been longing for a baby. I thought it was total b.s.,but the biological clock thing is happening to me. I'd be a great mom and everyone else thinks so too. Problem is, the finances are not there yet, and my significant other does not want children (it's a combo of can't have and adoption is not an option either). Also, I'm not sure if I want to commit to being a working mom. But it seems like it's all I think about. I do not want to go through life without my s.o., the love of my life who brings me such happiness, but at the same time, I don't want to have regrets. It's really troubling me, and I wish you would shed some light on my situation.

Jane said...

To elaborate, this was not a spur of the moment decision on his part. We started out both saying we wanted children, but he was diagnosed with an illness that is not terminal, but incurable, and takes it's toll on the body. I feel like I have a tug-of-war going on inside me. Intellectually and emotionally, I know the right decision for me, but my body is doing something totally different. Also, I'm really scared of losing him and being alone. I guess the sensible choice would be to find someone who is in good health, financially stable and who wants kids, but that's not the reality. I know you advocate believing that everything is ok. For me, everything is okay. My relationship gives me joy. There are struggles, but who doesn't have them. I don't wan't to force a question on this because I feel like there's a lot going on, but if you have some advice, I'd love to hear it.

Anonymous said...

Simple question - Love or career?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I have a terrible relationship with my family. I've never really had a good relationship with them as they have always been hyper critical of me, and have never offered me any kind of support or encouragement. If they do it’s minimal, and usually paired with a slap in the face. I guess it should be inserted somewhere here that as a kid, I was physically abused by them and now that I’ve reached adulthood, it’s just a continuation of that. My stress levels are really high after seeing and interacting with them at times. Sometimes it's positive, and other times they end up saying something unkind and hurtful. There's no telling when or why with them. In the hopes of having a positive relationship with them, I've tried working on it with them, and even tweaked the way I act to be more understanding, but I feel (and outsiders have also noticed) that the relationship is very one-sided with me being the giving, tolerant one. They have a way of either imposing their rude judgements and comments, or taking the extreme of ignoring and tuning me out all together. I cannot point to a single person in the family who has my back. The other night at dinner, someone threw an insult at me that just made me say: "that's it," and I just come to the conclusion that they are rotten people who are not going to change. I’m still really hurting from it and shaken up. Distant relatives and people outside the family have weighed in saying no family is perfect, and I'll live to regret not having a relationship with them, but I feel like my well being is really at risk here. Is there a better way of dealing with this situation?

Anonymous said...

when can I purchase in Aviisha stocks???

Anonymous said...

I've been dating a man for a few months now and we've had a rough relationship. I found out he was being dishonest with me. i ended it and distanced myself from him. We talked and got back together but I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. I feel like my fear of getting hurt is going to break us up again. I really think we could grow into love, marriage and kids! Any suggestions on what we can do to build trust and have a healthy relationship?

Linda said...

Down through the ages has been the question: "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Now I read that according to Buddhism, "the chicken is in the egg, and the egg is in the chicken". Has the question been answered then? And if so, where the heck do we go from here? ;-)

Anonymous said...

so are you single and if so why?

Anonymous said...

I just moved in with someone in another city. He's 17 years older than me and we have been dating a little under a year. He was in a divorce over a year ago because his wife had an affair for 2 years. Since we've been together I walked up behind him sending "i miss you" messages to an ex gf. And today I found an email from his exwife saying they had sex 2 months ago 2 days after we reconciled. His ex wife also claims to have been pregnant and miscarried a month after we met. I'm a moderately honest person and I want to forgive him. I have not brought the email to his attention. I'm so ashamed of myself for snooping. can I forgive and trust him?. Being young I now feel naive and fooled.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

My friend Raja and I, are trying to install php ssh2 on Fadora system, and we are having troubles to find the right package for installation and we are getting errors. Can you guide us? how can we find the right solution?

Thanks,
Jack

Anonymous said...

Hi, Edahn
I really need a word of advice. I have been in relationship for 10 years and I truly love the guy. He's been openly cheating on me all these time but because I was so happy with him I tolerated that. I hoped we would get married, but he's recently married somebody else. I'm 37 years old and alone. I'm crazily in love with him and i can't control my emotions. I'm depressed all the time, I cry (even at work and when other people are around) and I hate the girl he's married. It's been a year and I still haven't moved on... What should i do? I don't want to be miserable and lonely any longer...

xiukun said...

Hi, Edahn

No offense, your website just looks great~!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Edahn
Since you can answer any question... why do you think women change and men don't To understand that would help relationships immensely Thanks

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I've recently graduated from college about six months ago and have yet to find a job. I've relocated across the country from all of my friends and family about two months ago, and thus far have yet to meet anyone at all. I'm started to become full of anxiety, stress, and anger and have begun to take it out on my new hubby. I feel very much unlike myself and have no idea how to make things better, and I can feel myself slipping into a bitter depression. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

No one has ever been able to really give me any "great" advice on this matter, so I thought I'd see if you could. When I was six months old, my drunkard of a mother left. I had a very happy childhood none the less and because I had an amazing father and grandparents, I never really thought much of not having a mother or cared where she was (prison).

She has tried getting into contact with me several times these last few years and every time I even start to warm up to the idea, she falls off the wagon again. I find her pathetic not because of her addiction, but because of this sudden animosity I feel towards her. I am unsure how to come at peace with her, or how to really accept the fact that I don't have a mother figure to talk to anymore. I have a step mother but she is of no use, and often acts like a child. She can be fine at some points, but most of the time is just concerned with her children.

Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Hi, Edahn
I have a very important question: at what age do you think should we have our kids acquainted with the horrors of animal agriculture?
Thank you

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I just graduated college with a degree in Economics, however, I can't help but feel like a helpless 22 year old, not knowing what to do with the rest of his life. I love playing sports and guitar, though not that good enough to become pro in either. I really don't know what the next step in my life would be, and I feel like I'm having a quarter-life crisis. Any advice? Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,


You hear about crazy possessive mother-in-laws, psychotic aggressive mother-in-laws, and about the mother-in-laws who just show their hatred outright or by ignoring the daughter in law that "stole their son away". But...but, but, but what about the mother in law who is extremely nice and welcoming to your face but back stabs you every chance she gets? Yes...I'm talking about the PASSIVE AGGRESSOR.

I've known this woman for five years and she's never once reached out to me, but she hasn't ever been rude to me either. Being that she is socially inept (her words, not mine) and somewhat emotionally cold, I never really let it bother me. However I've recently discovered that she is constantly talking behind my back, or will be passive aggressive to get her point across that she doesn't like me.

I feel as if I confront her, she will act as though I'm being crazy and deny everything. If I don't confront her, I feel like I am going to claw her face off with rage the next time I see her (Kidding...of course.) This is totally foreign to me -- what do I do?!?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I have been struggling with sexual anxiety since I first became sexually active (three years ago, at 20). The anxiety gives me ED. It strongly affected, and ultimately lead to the end of, my first long-term relationship. My gf at the time was supportive, but the emotional fallout ultimately ruined things. My second relationship went better, and the ED didn't present itself until a few months in. However, the sexual portions of the relationship had started off with the use of Viagra (which can help due to the blocking of erection-killing chemicals released by anxiety), so I don't know how much of that was me overcoming my problem, or the Viagra. As soon as things became emotionally rocky though, the ED kicked in hardcore, and caused an early end.

Two years later, I have started seeing a very attractive and wonderful woman, and I think it is all coming to an end, again, because of the anxiety and ED. I have had difficulty achieving erections already, even with the use of Viagra. She has never been demeaning, and has helped me to overcome the issue in most occasions. Her patience is running thin though, and it's understandable.

Now here's the clincher. I don't think this is just related to plain old anxiety about achieving an erection. My anxiety is related to being able to achieve long-lasting and meaningful relationships, and social interactions in general. For instance, I have achieved this one through my sexuality. So if I can’t have sex, I lose a meaningful relationship. Pressure much? Also, my social life (and self-esteem) is in a sorry state of affairs, and the closer I become to a woman, the more I worry about my incompetence and inability to maintain intimacy. So we're not just dealing with performance anxiety, it has to do with all sorts of anxiety! And it's all self-feeding!

So before throwing a grenade at this relationship, like I have before, I was wondering if you might have any advice on what the best way to navigate this multi-headed monster might be.

Yours truly,

Sexually frustrated in California

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. In those 3 years it was the best. We were so sure we are soul mates and we also talked about getting married and all those talk no one ever has with their boyfriends. Everyone always said we were perfect for each other. We made each other better people. We were like two peas in a pod. Its like finding someone your sure you can spend the rest of your life with. It was so real. We both felt it. We had the best time of our lives. We were so strong and even if I moved away somewhere so far 6 months we worked it out so well. We both have admitted that we are meant to be together forever.
In saying this we started very young. He was 14 and I was 16.

Recently he decided that we needed to go on a break for awhile. Which devastated me more than words because everything was fine before that. I didn't see it coming at all. He said he doesn't want to do it but he feels like he needs to. He said he needs to appreciate me more and that by spending time away from each other and being on a break he will be able to come back one day and make it even better. He doesn't know life without me. I guess he just wants to gain perspective and know what it is like out there. He said he wants me to wait but also have fun at the same time. Which I don't really understand. Im guessing he wants me to meet other men while waiting for him? He wants to know what its like with other girls? When he left he said he will come back. He said it over and over again and even said i will see you soon as we parted. Im having trouble accepting the fact that he chose to leave instead of working it out with me, together. Thats how we always managed our problems. Its has only been a week and Im falling apart because I don't know if he's out there enjoying himself single while I'm in the dump broken hearted. I don't know if I actually should wait for him? Do I go talk to him and give a time limit? A month perhaps? Should I go see him and lay out his options and just make him choose? Or should i just toughen up and wait it out because I love him.
It has only been a week and its already felt like months for me. And it hurts that he hasn't contacted me because that tells me its another day he has decided he can live his life without me. Im so scared and broken and I haven't been getting any sleep or been able to keep a lot of food down. Every night those questions run through my head and it hurts that I probably will never get the answers.
What should I do?

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

My spouse and I usually split holidays to avoid the guilt of not seeing one side or the other. I've found myself gradually leaning toward spending more time with my spouse's family and less time with mine. To be frank - I like them better as people and they treat me better as a person.

Now, how do I (a) stop feeling like a horrible child for ditching my family and (b) get my family to understand that I love them, but I don't need to see them every holiday.

Sincerely,
Guilty Gal

Anonymous said...

I've gone out with a guy seven times now. We've never had a discussion about being exclusive, and both he and I are still on a dating website (where we met)I'm actually still on that site only since he's still on. He seems very into me when we're together. Although unlike other guys, he doesn't call 'right away' after the date, but texts and then calls a day or two later. We had sex on the fifth date, and I feel ever since then he hasn't been as persistent. I am not available to him every time he wants to see him, he seems very into me. So I don't really get what's going on. Please don't say "he's on because you're still on" beause there have been times I haven't logged in for days and when I log on- lo and behold he either just logged in or is online with *IM ME NOW*. This is really upsetting. He is not some young guy, but a 50 year old. I'm 38 and considered a pretty good catch. I don't get what's going on here. Things are moving so slowly. I feel it's going nowhere and I'm wasting my time. I want a real relationship that is evolving, and we spend more and more time together. That's not happeneing here. Ironically, when we're together we talk (amongst many other things) about what we want- which is a long term relationship etc...and we seem to be on the same page. But in actuality, it doesn't appear that way. I even verbalized before that I was hurt after we had sex that he just texted me for two days and never called. Well he said he didn't mean anything by it, and just did it again, and now there is this online thing- and again, no he is not on there to see if I am, because like I said- I'll be off for days then I'll see he was just on there.
Should I dump this fucker? I really do like him, but I need a strong man that isn't waiting for me to bring up exclusivity, or that he may just be playing with me. Please help!

Anonymous said...

Hi Edahn,

I read several blog posts about your philosophy that everything is okay. Your words make sense and a simple but profound way.

It reminded me of something I read about Aldous Huxley said about the universe being "All Right," with a capital "A" and a capital R". He made this statement when he was reflecting on one of his experiences with LSD. Many people have bad trips apparently, while some have very enlightening experiences.

I have never had any experience with the drug, but his words were always comforting to me, and they reminded me of your philosophy.

Just wondering if you can relate to the below in any way? (It's a bit long.)

"The intensity of the experience is entirely unlike any ordinary experience, but on the other hand it quite obviously resembles spontaneous experiences certain artists and religious people have unquestionably had. It's an immense intensification of the world, a transfiguration of the external world into incredible beauty and significance. It's also beyond this kind of aesthetic experience, there may be other experience, a sense of solidarity with the universe, solidarity with other people, understanding of such phrases as you get in the book of Job: "Yeah, Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Trust In Him", it becomes quite comprehensible. This thing opens the door to these experiences which can be of immense value to people if they choose to make use of them. If they don't choose to, I mean this is what the Catholics call a gratuitous grace, it doesn't guarantee salvation or it's not sufficient and it's not necessary to salvation but if it can be collaborated with and used in an intelligent way it can be an immense help to people. This sense that in spite of everything which of course is the ultimate, I suppose, the ultimate mystical conviction in spite of pain, in spite of death, in spite of horror, the universe is in some mysterious sense is all right, capital A capital R."


Anonymous said...

Hi Edahn,

I read several blog posts about your philosophy that everything is okay. Your words make sense and a simple but profound way.

It reminded me of something I read about Aldous Huxley said about the universe being "All Right," with a capital "A" and a capital R". He made this statement when he was reflecting on one of his experiences with LSD. Many people have bad trips apparently, while some have very enlightening experiences.

I have never had any experience with the drug, but his words were always comforting to me, and they reminded me of your philosophy.

Just wondering if you can relate to the below in any way? (It's a bit long.)

"The intensity of the experience is entirely unlike any ordinary experience, but on the other hand it quite obviously resembles spontaneous experiences certain artists and religious people have unquestionably had. It's an immense intensification of the world, a transfiguration of the external world into incredible beauty and significance. It's also beyond this kind of aesthetic experience, there may be other experience, a sense of solidarity with the universe, solidarity with other people, understanding of such phrases as you get in the book of Job: "Yeah, Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Trust In Him", it becomes quite comprehensible. This thing opens the door to these experiences which can be of immense value to people if they choose to make use of them. If they don't choose to, I mean this is what the Catholics call a gratuitous grace, it doesn't guarantee salvation or it's not sufficient and it's not necessary to salvation but if it can be collaborated with and used in an intelligent way it can be an immense help to people. This sense that in spite of everything which of course is the ultimate, I suppose, the ultimate mystical conviction in spite of pain, in spite of death, in spite of horror, the universe is in some mysterious sense is all right, capital A capital R."

By the way, hope you're well. We went to school together.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edahn,

I wanted to ask you about friendship, platonic friendship between guys to be precise. Recently I spent a long time with one of my oldest mates on holiday. I’ve known this guy since the first day of high school, and consider him still one of my best friends - we were in the same class since day one, come from similar backgrounds, and have shared so much and basically grew up in each others’ houses.

The issue lies in the fact that we seemed to have lost the easiness and closeness one has with one’s best and dearest mates. You know, the easy banter and great chats, and the being able to hang out effortlessly and unselfconsciously for hours. Instead, it was awkward and self-conscious at practically every interaction. Our conversations had no natural flow for the most part, and I realise from my side that I was worrying constantly about what and how to say things to him, how to be funny around him, and generally contorting myself in a bloody ridiculously contrived manner now that I think about it.

I know it’s a bit naive to expect us to be as tight as the day we left school all those years ago, seen as we have obviously led different lives in different places, but what I can’t abide is my own reaction to the whole thing: that I feel I am at fault by being so self-conscious around one of the people I should be the closest to in the world, which in turns seems to drive me further away in my own mind, and become more distant from him - something he noted about this and some previous occasions, when we finally broached the topic one drunken evening.

I suspect a lot of the problem (if it’s even helpful to call it that) lies with me in any case, as he is not the first person dear to me that I’ve felt self-conscious around. There have been a number of times when I feel on reflection as if I’m putting up some kind of facade in front of my genuine self, upon which I project what I think people might like to see - which is utterly nonsensical, as I am fortunate to be a very well-liked person for who I actually am.

I know if this guy was in trouble I would still jump onto the first plane to be there for him - however I just wanted to hear your thoughts though on how we can get back to that point of easiness and effortlessness around each other.

Thanks for your other posts by the way - a lot of stuff on this blog makes a lot of sense.

Anonymous said...

Hi Edahn,

I found your blog just a few weeks ago and I find your humor and wisdom incredibly comforting. I'm hoping that you can help me with something.

Does anyone in a stable, heterosexual relationship on this site find it necessary to have the "what would you want if I were to get pregnant discussion?"

I think it's an important discussion to have, and one I've had with two men in our late 20s who I have been in stable relationships with. They've both answered that they know for sure they would want an abortion since they're not ready to have kids until they're independently wealthy.

I'm firmly pro-choice, but I've always known that, for myself, at my age (28), I would want to keep the child. Hopefully I'm never faced with that choice, but emotionally and financially I know that keeping the child would feel right to me. However, knowing that child wouldn't be wanted by my partner puts a definite kink in things. I feel like I would be compelled to have an abortion if the child wasn't wanted by my partner as well.

I guess I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that these men have no emotional attachment to pregnancy. To have their minds made up that an abortion would be their definite preference in any unplanned scenario just strikes me as a bit callous and extreme.

Again, I think abortion is a fine option for those who truly know that's what they want, but growing up in my family the discussion was always "abortion is an option, but it's not the only option." I've spoken to both my pro-choice brothers about this issue, and they both said that their first instinct would be to want to keep the child, no matter the scenario, but that ultimately they'd support their partner's choice. I didn't realize there are so many men out there whose first instinct is actually abortion, even in a stable relationship with a partner they trust.

I can't help but take this all a bit personally. Any insight you can provide about what is going through a man's head when faced with this question, even when he loves the person and wants a future with her and understands that she doesn't want an unplanned pregnancy either but needs to know her partner wouldn't resent her or the child if a pregnancy were to occur. My mom got pregnant using three different types of birth control, and I've known women who have tried to induce miscarriages because their birth control failed. It happens more than men (and women) know.

Are there any men out there who understand that pregnancy is a possible outcome from sex, even protected sex? And that abortion isn't just a given if that happens? Thank you!

Anonymous said...

hi!

do you still respond to these??

Anonymous said...

Recently, I feel as though my thoughts and actions are taken over by the need to find a person that I can connect with at some capacity. It's mentally exhausting, and I don't believe/enjoy online dating so much. I mean, don't get me wrong, I try using them then soon after get disappointed and immediately delete them. Right now I am on a "no dating" hiatus and I would like to think it's very empowering. People ask me out and I politely decline. It feels great (not rejecting people, I'm not that cruel lol) because I have the ability to somehow have time to do the whole self-improvement thing. Yet, I'm still controlled by this societal pressure of having a significant other or just the natural longing for human connection.

So anyway, I'm rambling. Let me get to the point. I'm feeling held back because I may have met the said "one" - a person that I can connect with deeply. When we're together I feel as if he knows everything I am feeling and vice versa. All the stars in the universe align. I know I sound a bit crazy but I never felt that feeling with anyone else before, it truly was a beautiful thing.

The problem is my friend was and may quite possibly still be interested in him. I never could make a move in fear that I would lose my friend. I continue to pretend like there was nothing between us, or maybe it is only a one-sided feeling. I think about him a lot. To add to it, he's moving to another state in a few months. Dare I say, he is going to become my very own - "the one that got away."

My questions to you are: what do I do?! Accept that maybe we were kindred spirits that passed through each other's lives for some purpose and leave it to rest? Do I tell him how I feel? It's all very confusing. I would love to hear your thoughts or if you've ever experienced a similar affair.

Thanks for listening.