Are we compatible?
|Yeah, I went there. Gotta problem? Wanna fight about it?|
For the last 2 years I have been in a monogamous relationship. In the beginning it was pure bliss. We would spend a lot of time together and than a few months down the line we moved in together. After awhile of living together, I began to notice things that would bother me about him. I am a social butterfly, he is not. I value organization, he does not. He's obsessed with his video games, I dislike them. It hard for him to give compliments and be romantic. As a woman its important to hear that you are beautiful and loved. Its bothersome because I don't understand why its so hard for him. I am a huge advocate of being open and honest. Communication is key. It just seems like every time I bring the things up that bother me, he tells me he'll work on it. Yet not much changes...what do I do? I worry because we've discussed marriage and I just can't see myself marrying someone who I don't feel completely compatible with. He has a lot of pro's about him but there are some con's that I just can't seem to look past. If you love someone do you look past their flaws and just accept them for who they are?
I think it kinda works the other way around. If you accept them for who they are, you begin to love them. I'm not really sure you can force yourself to accept someone, even under the guise of love. It seems to me like you're resisting these parts of him--his lack of communication, his slothfulness, and his messiness--for good reason: you sense that they're not compatible with your lifestyle.
Compatible, of course, doesn't mean that everything he does meets your approval and that you live completely identical lives. Compatible means you bring out a happy person in one another and when you look down the road, you see that happiness continuing and growing. What I'm hearing is that you've come to understand that to your chagrin, you're not as compatible as you once thought--or even once were.
I get that you're confused, and this is ultimately a decision you have to make yourself. The test I tend to use is this: when I imagine myself with this person, day-in, day-out, what feelings come up in me? What would the typical day look like with this person after 10 years? 25 years? If I get the feeling that it would be fun, warm, calming, and infused with lots of spirit and joy, I keep going. But if I sense distance, emptiness, resentment, and loneliness, I end it. It take a lot of honesty, objectivity, and imagination, but if you sit with that question long enough, the right answer will pop up and it'll be very clear. And you won't be afraid. Maybe sad, but not afraid. Good luck and let me know how it goes.