Why can't he say "I love you"?


What does it mean when a man can't say "I love you"? All the right factors are there. His actions say I love you. It has been 9 months and still nothing. I have a feeling this is an intimacy problem that goes far beyond the bounds of our relationship. I'm trying to be patient yet I feel like something is missing and it bothers me. 

Sometimes I feel insecure about it and wonder, why doesn't he love me? especially after he has told me that he has had the capacity and has loved someone else. He's expressed that he doesn't feel in love yet. How long should I wait feeling unfufilled? I always thought you know or you don't...

Freaky picture, right? I've noticed that guys say "I love you" in three situations. Situation 1: they feel really attached and passionate. They're completely swept up by their feelings and desire and label it love. I call that passionate love. Situation 2: they feel lots of intimacy (closeness and safety) with the person and want to spend their lives with that person indefinitely -- in other words, they've identified their Imago match. I call that sacred love. Situation 3: they need to say it in order to have sex with you. That's called attorney love because of the similar way a lawyer is prepared to say anything to fuck you. Your boyfriend doesn't feel any of those. 

Why? I can't tell you. Maybe he's not really available for the kind of relationship he wants. Maybe he knows intuitively that you're not a good match for each other. Maybe you're not available for the kind of relationship he wants. Maybe all of the above. I'm not in your relationship so I don't know. But you can figure it out yourself by having a tough but necessary conversation, and I'd urge you do to it tonight. Work together to figure out what's really going on in your relationship in an objective, non-defensive, painfully honest way. Where is your relationship headed? What are his reservations? What do his feelings mean? Does he know on some level that you aren't a good match? Is he just afraid to hurt you? Are you both really available to connect to one another? Has this whole relationship become much too complicated? Do you feel comfortable and satisfied with one another without having to resort to cycles of conflict and makeup?

Take the information you get and ask yourself where this relationship is headed. Is he your match? Are you his match? Will you really make each other happy? Will you end up being truly happy and joyful in each other's company? There are no certainties, just probabilities, so you'll need to take your best guess and act on it confidently. The alternative is to spend years in a dissatisfying, disorienting relationship. Don't subject yourself to that.

I know there's a lot here, so if you need to write in again, you can leave a comment under this post.