Friday, September 25, 2009

AskEveryoneElse: Bad date protocol


Dear Everyone Else,


You've met someone off a dating website for a cup of coffee. The date turns out to be a dud. They call you after and leave a voicemail on your phone, saying they had a good time. Do you have any obligation to tell them you not interested? 

If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, then I get that they probably don’t want to hump me either. I don’t need any additional explanation about why they think I suck. I can make assumptions to preserve my ego about why it didn’t work out, rather than have her explain to me that she’s just not a fan of my man boobies. It’s a way bigger shot to the confidence when someone does call back, just to tell me that she doesn’t really like me or what it was, in particular, she found repulsive.

If I go out with a girl and don’t see anything happening between us, I won’t call her for the same reasons. If you do call, some girls will ask you why you don’t see things going anywhere with them. You can’t say, “You just look like the kind of girl who wouldn’t trim her pubic hair,” so you have to make up some lie, which doesn’t really help her in any way. It’s an unnecessary, awkward conversation for both parties that won’t make anybody feel any better.

Submitted by Cory H. All great answers, though! Hard call fo sho.

21 comments:

DK said...

I definitely don't think you are obligated to say anything to them. You've only had one date. If you don't return their phone call, it should send a clear message that you aren't interested (if you were interested, you would call them back, wouldn't you?). I think different people prefer different responses in this type of situation. Some people (like myself) would prefer that the other person be honest and tell me they aren't interested. Other people have a hard time with rejection and get really offended by someone saying they aren't into them- those people would probably prefer not to hear back and then they can justify the rejection to themselves as the other person's loss.

I think you should try to balance what you are comfortable with and what you think the other person can handle/ would prefer. Sending a brief text or a short email saying that you don't think it would work out is always an option...

that's my two cents.

PB said...

I think you do depending if they are a nice person. nice person depends on if they arent full of themselves. So if theyre cool and you just dont feel it, you tell them that in the nicest way possible.

RebeccaM said...

There is no "obligation". Although, if you're a moral and ethical caring human being, it only takes a few minutes of your life to be honest with another person. That honesty goes a long way in liberating that other person from having thoughts they have a shot with you- when there isn't.

MikeR said...

What obligation? If you know it's not going anywhere you do one of two things: 1. Don't call them back and eventually they get the hint or 2. Tell them it's not going to happen and hang up the phone. Next coffee!

Edahn said...

If you do decide to contact them, would you call, text, email? Pay a personal visit to their work? Singing telegram?

RebeccaM said...

Text or email.

Edahn said...

I forgot to add Strip-o-gram to that list.

Ruby A said...

After the first date, especially after a dating site date, one may simply bounce the call and the other party should get the hint. HOWEVER, one must be careful if they are to take this strategy. L.A. is small and the Jewish community even smaller , so you WILL bump into them again at the next event. It could be awkward depending on how personally the other party takes it.

Lisa L said...

Definitely not. You are not obligated to respond unless you a)had sex with your coffee b)discussed your potential future home and children's names c)want to set the dud up with someone else.

Leanna B said...

Now Ruby knows where it is at! See ahem... Down here it is a smaaaaallll ass world. Example, Leanna goes on date, date is lame, Leanna walks into Jeffs to get food, well there is this man and your good friend who you have known for 2 years and well guess what? they are long time, highschool friends. I didn't call the guy back and now I am stuck having to create an FML.com account so I can post my story. Where if I would have just called the man back/text whatever communicated somehow that I wasn't interested I wouldn't have looked like such a DOOOOSH! But that's just me... Laughing out loud!

MikeR said...

Just man/woman up and call them. 2 minute conversation, tops!

Megan said...

As much as that scenario makes me cringe, I do think I'm required to tell them I'm not interested. Man, I hate dating.

Dan P said...

I think you should call them back and tell them that you would LOVE to go out again, because you just don't want to seem like a dick. Then you do the same next time and the time after that, and the time after that and so on... Until you no longer have to call them back because you've ended up moving in with them, had three kids with them and want to shoot yourself in the head every day on your way to the dead end job you've settled for because you are just unsure of the economy and if you could even find another job bagging groceries in your little town.

Lily M said...

i cant believe that happened too you, thats what happens when you hang out at Sb to much. :)) hahaha. i send this with love by the way.

Cory H said...

If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, then I get that they probably don’t want to hump me either. I don’t need any additional explanation about why they think I suck. I can make assumptions to preserve my ego about why it didn’t work out, rather than have her explain to me that she’s just not a fan of my man boobies. It’s a way bigger shot to the confidence when someone does call back, just to tell me that she doesn’t really like me or what it was, in particular, she found repulsive.
If I go out with a girl and don’t see anything happening between us, I won’t call her for the same reasons. If you do call, some girls will ask you why you don’t see things going anywhere with them. You can’t say, “You just look like the kind of girl who wouldn’t trim her pubic hair,” so you have to make up some lie, which doesn’t really help her in any way. It’s an unnecessary, awkward conversation for both parties that won’t make anybody feel any better.

Rebecca Ch said...

cory LMAO!!

Edahn said...

Serves you right for dating GILFs.

Jilette N said...

LOL funny comments :) I'd say if one was dating, he/she is probably dating multiple people. If you're not interested, move on to the next person. I am a nice person, but I don't have time to hang on the phone for hours at a time explaining why there wasn't chemistry. A person can actually tell within the first few minutes if something is going to develop or not.

If the sparks aren't there, shrug it off & move on. No need to tell the person if it's only been one date. Why lie? :)

Dan P said...

Regardless. You should call back, it's common courtesy if they left you a message. I'm not saying have an hour long conversation, but don't leave them hanging for days wondering if you got the message or not. Then after the third or fourth call, they feel not only rejected, but like a loser who's stocking you when you just didn't have the balls to call back and just say, "sorry, not feeling it."

pollick said...

i say no need to call back - email will suffice
and not an obligation - its a decency
next question, son.

Dan P said...

Think of it like a business. You may not like your customers, and you may get some that don't even purchase anything from you, but you always want to treat them with respect. As people have pointed out, this world is quite small and bad service (aka not calling back) gets around quickly. This goes for everything, not just dates you may or may not be interested in. Credit cards, for instance (as I've learned quite well) are much more pleasant to talk to and deal with if you answer their calls, or call back promptly (they will be willing to work with you. If you just ignore them, they will screw you over. People don't take offense to honesty, they do however, take offense to rude, scared little boys and girls who can't get the courage to tell someone how they feel. ( I know, I'm being repetative, I just want to get my point across)