Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Is it wrong to picture yourself with another woman?

Hey Edahn,

Sometimes during sex I imagine I'm with a different girl, and not my gf. It helps me get 'unstuck' if I can't get off. Do you think this is normal among men and whether or not this will damage my relationship?

It's pretty normal assuming the "different girl" isn't your mom...or mine. I am guessing that you're anxious about not performing well or about getting so anxious that you don't perform well, which is super common.

Is it a problem? I wouldn't really call it a problem. The question is whether you're addressing the situation, your "stuckness," in the best way. Right now you've found a technique to help you get your mind off the situation and onto something safer. That's okay, but you're not going to really be connected to the person or connected to yourself as long as you keep mentally checking out. The alternative is to confront the anxiety and protect your dignity.

The big secret that anxiety doesn't want you to know is that it goes away if you're patient. As long as you don't know that, anxiety keeps renewing itself with worrying about the anxiety itself. If you know it'll go away and things will be restored to normal, you can relax. My advice for you is to be patient with yourself and forgiving rather than critical and demanding. It's okay to get tense and stuck. It happens to both guys and girls all the time. It's a normal stage to go through when you're having sex with someone. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong. If you decide you're just too stuck, just take a break. No shame. Maybe you'll try again later that night. The important thing is the way you relate to yourself and treat yourself, with kindness, patience, and dignity, and maybe a little humor. As you practice, you'll start to find your mind a little calmer and and more available.


Anonymous said...

It's not the unstuck part that I'm concerned about. You missed the point. Or perhaps I didn't explain it. Either way, you lost me.

I fantasize that I'm with other women when we're in bed. That's the issue.

edahn said...

Glad you wrote back.

You're fantasizing about other women to get unstuck. So the the issue is whether what you're doing is (1) ethical and (2) smart. Since I don't think it's terribly unethical, the question is whether there are other ways to get unstuck that are BETTER and smarter.

The point of my post was to explain how there are other ways to get unstuck besides fantasizing that will leave you more connected and help your relationship.

edahn said...

In other words, do I think it'll DAMAGE your relationship? Not terribly. Do I think you can IMPROVE your relationship if you try my method instead? Yes.