Why does my boyfriend want me to take control?


My boyfriend of 2 years just informed me that he wants a relationship controlled by the woman (me). This guy has been hypervigilant in his control from the start of our relationship, now there is this sudden change. He even emailed me websites about this lifestyle. I'm hesitant because it doesn't make sense to me. Seems like every girl's dream come true but something seems a little off since he's usually so controlling. I love him but I'm uncertain if going down this road is a good idea?

Normally, I would guess that he's just exploring his feminine side, but the fact that he was hyper-controlling makes it sound like he's giving up a role.

See, guys are brought up to think that they need to be assertive to keep a girl interested. They think they need to call the shots, be leaders, know what's always going on, and always have the next thing planned. We think we're being dominant, but were's just mimicking dominant behavior. We're playing the role we think we're supposed to play.

The problem is that all roles are exhausting and inherently inauthentic. Inauthentic behavior leaves us feeling disconnected from our true self and alone. This doesn't mean that he's a powerless twerp; he might actually be a pretty dominant guy. But as long as he's playing a role, he's really living in fear--fear that by not being this assertive guy you're looking for, you'll walk away. 

What I think he's doing now is shedding, or challenging, that role by asking to play the opposite role. He's making room for himself to not have to be the assertive guy so that he can come into his own skin. From there, I would imagine, he would naturally start to call the shots and it'll seem less overwhelming and clumsy. Why? Because he'll have challenged his fear and that's the mark of real leadership.

It doesn't sound like you're really comfortable with being the leader, probably for the same reason he isn't...it feels forced. (For the record, I don't think most women would really enjoy that role.) I unfortunately can't predict how things will turn out, not knowing you and not knowing him, but what you can do is have a conversation and propose a less-drastic alternative. First, talk to him and ask him why he wants to do this. See why he's uncomfortable being the leader and tell him that you're not so sure you'd be comfortable either. You can ask him if he feels like he's supposed to be assertive with you (as I've been suggesting). If he admits he feels that way, then let him know it's okay if he isn't. Give him a little room to be unsure and confused or even afraid. Acknowledging those feelings are important. It's cathartic. If he does, then you can just suggest that you both share decision-making powers and responsibilities. Instead of having one leader, have cooperation. 

You can propose that option even if my theory is incorrect. You can also try his fem-dom arrangement and see how it goes. It might be kinda fun, ya know? Decide what you feel more comfortable with. If you can't decide, just ask him to. ;)

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