Two Guys One Keep

Dear Edahn,

I've been dating a guy for several years and a couple months ago I started to wonder, "Is this love or is this just comfortable?" So, when another opportunity came along, I thought I might get my answer. Unfortunately, it's just an even bigger mess. The experiment started out with harmless flirting and minor physical interactions until one drunken/high night when I woke up clothes-less to the words, "I love you". FML.

I like being around my long-term SO, but there's definitely a stronger physical attraction to the other. I really have no idea what to do at this point.

I think of love as care. It's genuine, deep care that comes from your core, not just acting like you care as part of your relationship role. If you really cared about this guy you would 1) not have cheated and 2) told him by now. My guess is that it's not love, and neither is it love with this other guy you're sexually attracted to. I say come clean with your guy (like I said in my last post) and see what happens. It's the only way to start building something real and honest. It's impossible for you to love him if you don't care enough to be honest with him.

If he breaks up with you -- and I think most self-respecting people would -- so be it. Lesson learned. If he decides to try and figure it all out, you're in luck.

Update: Because this is my site and I get to make the rules, I've decided to update this post after doing some more reflection on your situation. I understand that you're confused about what to do because you're confused about how you feel, or more accurately, how to interpret what you don't feel. If you knew how you were feeling, this situation would probably not have occurred and if it did, you would know how to resolve it.

There have moments in my relationships when I wasn't sure how I felt about someone. I knew I did not feel excited or close, but stuck it out, hoping that things would change, or that I would change, or that she would change. In the end, I just kept waiting and nothing really happened. I ended up breaking up because the situation was at an impasse. When I looked back, I realized that the reason I didn't feel close or "right" is because the person truly wasn't for me.

I can't say what's right for you. Not only am I lacking information, but it's a decision you have to decide for yourself. What I can suggest, however, is a way to go about making that tough decision.

It's my belief that we all have a pretty good idea of what's best for us, what's right, and what we need to do in our lives. That information is stored deep inside of us in the form of "intuition." Intuition is knowledge that doesn't come about through deduction or rationalization. It just kind of appears. The dialogue (if you can call it that)  between you and your intuition gets interrupted when there's too much thinking or worrying going on. Thinking is like a concert speaker that's blaring while someone tries to whisper to you. So the trick is to figure out a way to turn down the volume of your thinking.

Working out, meditation, kindness, and reflection are just some of the tools our society has developed to accomplish this task. I'll give you another tool, in the form of a set of questions to ponder: can you see yourself spiritually growing with this person? Do you experience the world similarly? Do you truly respect this person? Do you see yourself at peace with this person, or forever wondering if you made the right decision?

Don't think too hard, just keep those questions in the back of your mind and offer yourself and your boyfriend some deep kindness. The answer will come from your heart, not your head. When it does pop up, it will feel special. Don't ignore it; trust it. Use it to resolve this situation.