Texting Etiquette *REVISED*

Dear Edahn,

I went on a pretty good date with a girl last night and wanted to know if I could text her something today? Is that against the rules?

To summarize Rule 18-b subparagraph (ii) of the American Rules and Mores of Social Dating (ARMSD), Vol. 6 (Fourth Ed.), you may indeed text her, but the rules also dictate that you mention (1) that you can't stop thinking about her, (2) that you bought her a gift (3) that you can't wait to see her again, and (4) the word "love," "marriage," or "engagement" at least once. If she doesn't return the text within 4 minutes, follow up with the following sequence of text messages, verbatim.

1. hello???!1
2. are you ignoring me??
3. i thought we had a good date, you seemed to be having fun
4. Really, I thought you were different
5. this is why I don't date, thanks [her name], very mature
6. i'll make sure to recommend you to my friends
7. oops, i meant ENEMIES
8. fine, I'm done.

Wait 4 minutes between sending each text. If she still doesn't reply, wait 2 hours and send the follow texts 5.5 minutes apart.

9. sorry, i tend to overreact. give me one more shot? maybe a drink will smooth things over?
10. Well, the ball's in your court. Hit me up when you have a chance sweetie.
11. I love you.

If she replies at any point in this sequence, make sure to ABORT. If she doesn't reply after the text #11, you should add her on Facebook, but I'll leave that for another post.

Update: After receiving some oral hate mail from some of my readers complaining that this post was neither funny nor informative, I've decided to amend it. Texting after your date is not against the rules because there are no rules. HOWEVER, if you act like a subservient loser, you're transgressing the laws of common sense and intelligent courtship. If you act too interested too quickly, you're signaling that you're probably clingy and desperate to find someone. No one wants to date someone clingy because (1) it's annoying (2) when you're really needy, you lack the balls to have a flirtatious, teasing attitude, and (3) it suggests that you're really low-status. The third is important because people are looking for partners that have comparable status to theirs.

So just don't fawn over them by writing something like I included in the top portion of this post. (See, it actually was informative. Idiots!) Say something sincere and include a reference to something amusing from the previous night. Examples:

1. Hey, it was really nice meeting you. Looking forward to meeting your roommate! ...NOT! (Caution: do not use "not-jokes" unless your date has a really good sense of humor.)
2. Just wanted to say I had a great time destroying you at billiards. Excited to see what I'll beat you at next.
3. Last night was fun. Sorry for ejaculating so quickly!
4. Great time last night. Those porn pictures of your grandmother were hilarious.

Don't overthink it; it doesn't have to be perfect.