Tuesday, December 22, 2009
How can I get the girl back?
I was dating a girl for 2 months. She's 21 and I'm 29, but she's very mature for her age, not to mention intelligent and beautiful. Despite coming from a family with dysfunctional male figures, she was well put-together. We had a lot of fun together, talked multiple times a day and I was helping her out with some financial problems. A week ago she was acting kind of weird. She told me a few days later that she was confused. She said that after 2 months of dating she expected to feel stronger about a person than she felt about me and called it off. What can I do to get her back?
It sounds to me like her heart and mind are a bit at odds: her mind recognized that something good was going on -- you were talking, spending time together, and she was being taken care of -- but something didn't connect with her emotionally. Why not?
Maybe she's really protective and guarded. Maybe she's looking for someone abusive and dysfunctional. Maybe you're were treating her as a daughter rather than a companion and trying to help "build her" back up like a project. I don't know for sure, but whatever the reason, something made her hesitate. I would assume that she saw something incompatible with you both. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but that's how I see it.
My advice would be to take this as a learning opportunity and let go of her. Use the experience to evaluate how you're relating to women romantically. Are you creating an authentic relationship where you both feel free to be yourself, to make mistakes, and to laugh at yourselves, or are you forcing yourself and your partner into relationship roles where you are the leader and she is the student? A second opinion from some of your exes and friends might help. Maybe everything is cool and there was just an incompatibility. It happens. Even people who have a healthy authentic friendship can still be incompatible on the romantic level. On the other hand, if you decide you have some work to do, then do it with the next person you meet. Maybe you'll meet this girl down the line, and who knows, you might already be in another healthy relationship when you do.